His Reluctance
by TaelynHawker
Summary: It began as something simple. It's anything but. Now he has to make a decision. JDCox. SLASH. Don't like it please don't read it. Rating for language, and sexual situations. This story is officially finished as is.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Scrubs is not mine. If they were, Dr. Cox and JD would have gotten it on a long time ago.

Warnings: JDA, DCA (both of the emotional kind as opposed to the physical abuse),

Author's Note: As I finish My Gunshot I have a million ideas for a new story. So here goes one. This is going to be a chapter fic, I have no idea how long, though probably not as long as My Gunshot. This is set some time after My Screw Up, but it leaves Cannon behind after that episode.

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Perry turned his head, eyes opening and slowly focusing on the alarm clock that rested on the bedside table. He twisted his head around to look out the window, still dark and still raining by the look of the water running down the glass. A light snort to his left made him turn his head to look. The young man beside him slept deeply, mouth open slightly. His hair was an insane mass of dark, silky strands, free of product for once. Perry resisted the urge to bury his hands in it, something he wouldn't even think of doing in the light of day. Carefully and slowly he slipped out from under the covers. His clothes lay in a pile by the bed; he grabbed them and crept out of the room and to the bathroom.

He made his way silently through the empty apartment, grateful that Carla and Turk were visiting with Turk's family. Normally, he had to dress in JD's room and then creep out the front door. He didn't especially like sneaking around like a teenager, but he couldn't always take JD to his place and he hated doing the hotel thing.

He closed the bathroom door and flicked the light switch. The light, coming suddenly from the darkness, was disorienting. He blinked a couple of times and looked into the mirror. He needed a shave. He ran the water until steam covered the mirror and then splashed his face. It woke him up. He grabbed a towel that smelled alarmingly like JD and dried his face. He paused when he thought he heard noise in the living room. No sound followed, so he pulled his clothes on and shut the light off. He opened the door.

"I thought you said Jordan and Jack were at her mom's." A voice said softly from the couch. He gave a start, eyes adjusting to the darkness to see JD's form curled up in the corner of the couch. Perry sighed and went to sit on the back of it, barely stopping a hand from reaching out to the kid.

"She's coming back today. Early. I have to be there." Perry told him, something he hadn't mentioned last night. JD was silent. "Newbie." Perry stood and grabbed his jacket from the counter. He felt a familiar anger burning in his chest. "You know how it goes, Clarissa. Jordan and Jack come first." He growled out. He thought he heard JD sigh, but couldn't be sure.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow, Dr. Cox." He said, standing and heading back towards the bedroom. He was wearing the shirt Perry had left here weeks, maybe months ago. It was too long on his arms and when he pushed his hair out of his face the sleeve fell over his fingers. Perry frowned at the pit in his stomach.

"JD." The younger man stopped at the rare utterance of his name. He turned his head, hair falling back into his face. "You know-."

"Yeah I know the rules. They come first. Jordan never knows. I tell no one. I come when you call. You leave when you want to. I get it. I've always gotten it." He started moving again, his back straight, walking in slightly exaggerated swagger.

Perry growled and turned, slamming the door as he left and not caring if the kid's neighbors woke because of it. He knew the damned kid wanted more, he'd known when they started this that eventually he would have to. What he hadn't known was that he might eventually want that too. So when it had stopped being just about the sex, when it had started being about watching JD sleep, and how soft his hair was without gel in it, or how his eyes seemed brighter when they worked on a patient together, he'd done the only thing he could; he'd put even more distance between them. Sex was faster, and rougher, and Perry found more excuses to not stay the night.

And most of the time Perry could ignore the feeling in his chest when he caught sight of JD when he was expecting to, or when the kid flashed him his ridiculous grin. When he wasn't with JD he was busy with patients, or Jordan, or Jack. And he loved Jordan, he did. He ignored the voice in his head that told him loving someone was different than being _in love_ with someone and that maybe he should examine that idea. He frowned. Jordan had nothing to do with what he was doing with JD. And he wasn't in love with the stupid kid.

He shook his head, resolving to stop thinking about it.

But as he opened the car door and climbed in, long legs bending to fit beneath the steering column, he couldn't help feeling like he was being unfaithful. The problem was, he wasn't sure if it was Jordan or JD he was being unfaithful to.

…………..

JD watched from the window as the car left the parking lot. It felt to him like the brake lights winked at him in mockery. He glared at them.

"What do you know, break lights?" He muttered and went back to lie down on the bed.

He stared up at the ceiling, all too aware of the lingering smell of sex and Perry that permeated the room. He sighed heavily. He felt like bricks were weighing his chest down. He shook his head at himself. He never should have done this to himself. He'd been stupid to think he could do the casual sex thing with a man he'd already had feelings for. But how could he have refused, really?

He knew he'd pulled it off for a while; he'd even managed to convince himself that it was just sex. No feelings involved, thank you very much. He'd never been very good at lying, but having an affair, he snorted at the word and all the clichés it brought to mind, had fixed that. Not even Turk had an inkling of what was going on. And even though he'd caught Carla staring extra hard at him the first time he and Perry had snuck into the apartment because Jordan had been unexpectedly home, he didn't think she knew either. And Elliot was far too involved in her quasi-relationship-friendship with Sean.

He rolled over onto his side, eyes falling on the dent in the pillow where Perry's head had been. He looked past it to the alarm clock. 2:19 the clock blinked at him. He frowned. Perry had stayed all of one hour after sex. JD had thought they would have the whole night at least. It was those small things, the rare times when Perry spent a whole night him, that kept him going.

He rolled over again, feeling restless.

For a time he had thought maybe Perry felt something for him too. But then it seemed like Perry had distanced himself even further. So JD figured it had all been in his head. He closed his eyes tight, trying to fight the sting of tears in his sleep blurred eyes.

He should end it. He should never have started it. But he knew he wouldn't end it, and he knew there had been no way he could have stopped it from happening.

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling again. He ignored the cool, moist feeling of tears as they trailed down his face. He would just have to take what he could get, until he couldn't take it at all anymore. Sadly, he wondered when he would finally reach his breaking point.

……………

Jordan wondered how stupid Perry thought she was. She'd had enough affairs of her own to recognize the signs. Oh she had to give it to Perry, he never came home smelling of someone else's perfume, and he never once sported a love bite or a scratch mark, though there had been a bruise or two.

She couldn't even tell if or when he brought his lover over. No, where she had always flaunted and still flaunted her extra marital relationships, Perry took great pains to keep his secret. Part of her loved him more for that, the part of her that always loved him no matter big an ass he was being. The rest of her was furious with all the righteousness that a good double standard could provide. Perry had been a lot things, most of them not good, but he'd never been the cheater. That had always been her.

She stared down at her sleeping son and wondered, not for the first time, if coming back into Perry's life the way she had had been a bad idea. She couldn't really regret coming to him when she'd found out she was pregnant, especially since it was his kid.

Jack rolled over in his sleep. She turned to leave the room, not wanting to wake him up. She made her way to the bedroom and got undressed, crawling into bed. Perry grunted in his sleep and rolled away from her. She watched him for several moments.

She wondered who it was. If it was someone from the hospital, or someone he'd met somewhere else. She knew Perry loved her, and she loved him, she did, in her own selfish way. Sometimes she just loved to torture him, which was just fine with her.

She glared at the back of Perry's head for a moment. She'd have to watch him more carefully if she wanted to figure out who it was he was seeing. She might not have cared, except that she got the sense it was more than just a sexual fling. And if she were a more sensitive, touchy-feely person, she might admit that that upset her.

…………

"Yo, J-dizzle, what's up man? You seem down. You lose a patient?" Turk threw a casual arm around JD's shoulders, making him slump forward more than he already was.

"No, Chocolate bear, I'm fine." He said, though even he wouldn't believe himself. Turk squeezed the arm on his shoulders tighter. JD forced a smile. "Really, it's fine."

"Man, I don't know what's been up with you the last couple of days but I wish you would talk to me. I know it's crazy with me and Carla and planning the wedding, but you're my boy. I got your back." JD stopped suddenly and Turk looked at him in confusion.

"I- I shit." JD was staring, Turk's last words lost in him, at Dr. Cox as he made his way down the hallway with Jordan.

He was holding Jack in his arms, looking as happy as all anything. He looked around frantically. There, a supply closet just up the hall. JD jerked away from Turk, nearly knocking him over and dove for the door. He opened it and slammed it shut. Breathing heavy and feeling sick to his stomach he stared at the doorknob. Suddenly, he lunged forward and locked it. He walked to the back wall and then turned to face the door. He slid slowly down the wall, hands fisted in his hair and for once not caring what it would look like. His elbows rested on his drawn up knees, head hanging.

Finally he stood, brushing off his scrubs and trying to fix his hair. He went to the door and unlocked it, opening it with caution. He looked out to see a blue wall covering the door. He looked up to see the face of Perry Cox staring down at him. Oh. Not a wall. With a shriek he slammed the door shut again, trying to lock it. He couldn't. It opened before he got the chance. He skittered back against the far wall and watched with apprehension as Perry stormed in and locked the door behind him.

"You said no fooling around in the hospital." He squeaked out. Perry stayed facing the door for a moment before he turned on his heel and marched up to JD.

"What the hell are you doing, Gigi?" He snarled. He stood in front of JD, arms crossed over his chest. His very broad chest. A chest JD had snuggled up against hundreds of times. His face crumbled. Perry blinked at him in disbelief. "Stay with me, Jezzabelle, what the hell are you doing?" JD shook his head.

"Nothing. Nothing." The second time it came out stronger. "I was just… taking… a break." He raised his chin defiantly and look to the side of Perry, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"A break from what?" Perry asked, voice dangerously quiet. JD looked down at the ground. "Newbie!" He growled out. JD jumped and then looked up at him, feeling his own temper rise.

"Us. Taking a break from this!" He shouted. Perry's face contorted with rage and he cast a furious glance at the door behind them. 

"Quiet down, Newbie." He warned, but JD just stood up straighter and shoved him. The shove barely moved Perry, but the look of disbelief on his face was worth it.

"No! I mean it! I'm done. You can pretend all you want that we're just…" He did lower his voice now. "that we're just fucking, but that's not what it is. Not for me! And I can't take it. It's killing me. You're killing me! Is that what you want? Is that what you always wanted? To just… beat the hope out of me?" He stared at Perry, whose mouth and eyes were open wide. He was silent for so long that JD began to think he'd gone comatose.

When Perry finally moved it was the shove to JD against the wall, pinning him there with his weight. JD struggled against him, but he couldn't budge him. Lips crushed against his almost painfully. He tried to resist, but he felt a large hand move up his side under his shirt and couldn't help the gasp that escaped his lips. Perry took full advantage and plunged his tongue into the younger doctor's mouth. JD gave up resisting, hands trying to find purchase on Perry's shoulders, hips rocking against the other man's. Finally Perry pulled away, a snarl twisting his face.

"It is what it god damn is, Newbie, and that's the way is stays. I'll be at your place late tonight. Be there." JD couldn't argue. He nodded, knowing that he would be there and he would open the door and he would sneak Perry into his room like he always did. He would do it because he knew, better than even Perry did, that he would never really be able to tell the man no.

Perry turned in a flurry of motion and unlocked the door, leaving a rumpled JD behind him.

…………..

Perry stalked away from the closet, running a hand over his face. His lips seemed to burn where they had touched JD's. His heart hammered in his chest. Something clenched painfully in his stomach. What the kid had said, it had unsettled him. He'd panicked. There was no other word for it and he knew it. The idea of JD calling it quits, of having to give JD up, made him want to vomit. He tried to ignore the feeling. He tried to kiss it away; to make it about sex and the physical. It had mostly worked. Except that there had been some horrible kind of defeat in JD's eyes when he'd pulled away. Defeat and desire and the combination was both revolting and intoxicating.

He slammed the door to the bathroom open and felt a certain degree of satisfaction at the ring of the door hitting the wall.

He'd been having a perfectly fine day. Well a fine day for him. He'd actually been happy to see Jordan when she showed up with Jack in tow. He wouldn't ever really admit it, but Jack almost always made him happy. And they'd been fine, walking through the halls while Perry took a brief break from the patients that he was trying to save today. Then he'd spotted JD, Gandhi's arm around his slim shoulders and something had hit him in the gut. Not jealousy, because Gandhi was painfully straight and marrying the only woman other than Jordan to ever put Perry in his place. But it was something, something so close to jealousy that he'd immediately pushed it aside, laughing a little too hard at something Jordan had said.

She'd given him a strange look, peering around the hallway as if looking for someone. He'd gone on talking, insulting her a little so that she would think everything was fine. It had seemed to work, until JD had nose dived into the supply closet.

"What the hell is wrong with her?" Jordan had asked. And Perry could only shrug and change the subject, even though he knew he was the reason Newbie was playing hide and seek today.

He looked at his face in the mirror. He looked pale. He felt cold. Christ, he should never have gotten himself involved.

There had been that one moment of weakness, when Jordan had had her friends invading their house after Ben had died. And Perry hadn't known where else to go, because in all truth he really didn't have many friends. And he'd known damned well that the kid would practically piss himself with excitement if he showed up at his door. So he'd gone. And JD had been sleepy, hair falling into his face and looking soft in the dim light of the apartment. And Perry had reached out to grab a handful, pulling harder then he'd meant to. When JD had gasped in pain he'd moved forward to capture the full lips with his own. And it had snow-balled from there.

The only way to save himself from having to think about what it really might mean, not just the kiss but all of it; the dependency, the need for JD's admiration, the girl's names, the desire to see the kid succeed, way he felt when he knew he was the one JD had gone to first with whatever ridiculous problem he was having, was to make those stupid rules.

No, not stupid rules. He turned the faucet on and dipped his face to let the cool water run over his face. They weren't stupid. They were rules that needed to be there for his sake, for Jordan's, for Jack's. And yeah, for JD's sake too.

He raised his head from the water and stared at his reflection as the water dripped down his face. He was too old to start again. Too old to leave Jordan, and too old to come out as a gay doctor. And that was what he would become. It wasn't what he was, but it was what they would see him as if he ever let Newbie closer than he already was. He was already risking too much.

He grabbed a handful of paper towel and dried his face roughly, taking some solace in the rough feel of the brown paper against his skin.

It would have to end. Tonight, he would tell JD it was done, that he was bored. He'd end it for them both. He wasn't going to let either one of them crash and burn. And that was all that could come of this.

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Author's Note: This idea was burning a hole in my head. I had to write it. Let me know what you all think. I'll update it, but not until I finish the last two chapters of my other story. Thanks for reading. Please review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Not mine. I make nothing off of it.

**Author's Note**: Finally finished with My Gunshot, which means this story will now get most of my attention.

**Warnings:** Graphic sex between two men. Graphic, rough, yet consensual sex between two men. I have no idea what got into me, but this chapter is the result.

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Perry grabbed his worn, hooded sweatshirt from the back of his closet and pulled it over his head. He ran a hand through his curls and over his face. He closed the door and came face to face with Jordan.

"Jesus, Jordan. Don't your cloven hooves usually make noise on the floor?" He asked, walking past her and pointedly ignoring the look she was giving him. She didn't know, he reminded himself.

"Funny Per, real funny. Where the hell are you going?" She asked. He grabbed his wallet from the bedside and stuffed it in his back pocket.

"Out to a bar, to watch the game. I told you that. Did the doctors inject the collagen into your ears by accident?" He left the bedroom.

"You can watch the game here, you know? You have a huge television and practically nothing in the fridge except beer." She stood in the doorway, her hand on her hips. Jack was in the living room, playing with his blocks by the sound of it. Perry just stared at her for a minute.

"You want to watch the game?" He asked. She rolled her eyes. "And that's why I'm going, gone, bye." He went into the living room and leaned down, giving Jack a quick kiss on the head.

Once he'd closed the door he stopped and stood against it for a minute. He could still hear the vague murmurings of Jordan in the apartment.

Jordan never questioned him leaving unless she had plans herself. And he knew damned well that Jordan had nothing planned for tonight. Which meant one thing. Jordan had figured it out. And while in the face of her multitude of affairs, his one affair wasn't really comparable, it didn't change the fact that she _knew._ And if she knew, oh if she knew. He felt sick just thinking about it.

He ran his hands hard over his face, as if he could rub the situation away, but he couldn't. And when he stared at the floor at his feet, thinking about the fact that he knew he had to end it now, he couldn't ignore how hard his stomach churned, or how his hands, his steady doctor's hands began to shake. With an effort he straightened himself, hands shoved in the pocket of his sweatshirt.

With a deep sigh he left and walked away down the hallway.

………………

Jordan watched the door for a moment. Then she turned to Jack and picked him up. Jack looked at her curiously, with Perry's eyes. She sighed. It wasn't like she wasn't used to her and Perry falling apart. They always did eventually.

She looked back at the door. If she was right, and she was positive that she was, then this was so much more than sex. She'd seen Perry's face when that stupid kid had dived into the closet to avoid them. And she couldn't understand how he could think she believed the lame excuse he had made shortly after so that he could go check on him.

Part of her was in shock. Perry had never shown any leanings towards men before this. He took pride in being a man's man, drinking and watching sports and never feeling an emotion other than anger. And the idea of it being his protégé was even more shocking. Perry had never done anything but complain about the kid. Of course, if she thought about she would realize the kid was also all he really talked about.

Another part of her was angry too. How dare that scrawny little pipsqueak worm his way into her Perry? Who was he? What was he? Nothing. Just another doctor with a bad case of hero worship. Only this one stuck it out, took all the abuse, and kept coming back.

She looked back at the door.

Why couldn't it have been Blondie? She could have handled a threesome with her and that would have put an end to that. Or any other woman, really. She didn't have a problem with that, she was open to most things.

But DJ? She put her son back down on the floor and looked away from him. DJ was a whole lot more than she had thought it would be. She put her head in her hands, and then realized what she was doing and stopped. She wasn't some pushover to just sit there and weep and whine over her husband, no _ex-husband_, cheating.

She could be wrong, after all. It could still be someone else. She'd just have to wait and watch. Jordan knew she'd figure it out. And when she did she'd nail Perry's balls to the board. Again. She stood and went to the kitchen to get Jack's dinner and try to decide what she would do.

…………………

JD sat at the end of his bed, shirtless and wearing only his sweat pants, waiting for the beeper in his hand to go off. That was their signal. He paged Perry when the house was empty or when Carla and Turk had gone to bed. And then Perry paged once he was outside the door. Carla and Turk were still working, so he was waiting for Perry to let him know he was at the door.

He was staring at it so hard that he jumped when it went off. He went to the door and opened it.

Perry stood in front of him, dressed in a hoodie that JD was sure he'd never seen him in, looking completely out of his mind. JD thought Perry always looked a little crazy, but this was different. He opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong, but the minute he did Perry's face seemed to break and he closed the distance between he and JD and brought their lips together hard.

His tongue was insistent and JD opened his mouth to him without hesitation. Perry's hands were fisted in his hair, pulling slightly as he backed JD up. He must have kicked the door closed behind him because JD heard it slam shut but knew the hands had never left his hair.

Perry's lips left his and Perry pressed his cheek against JD's, breathing hard. JD stood still, hands clutching Perry's elbows, and tried to figure out what was going on.

Perry never did this. Never. Well, there had been that one time, when they'd gotten rip roaring drunk and then gone back to Perry's apartment. Perry had brushed his fingers across JD's face and stared at him for nearly ten minutes before he'd even so much as kissed him. But after that it had never happened again. And JD hadn't wanted to ruin the memory of it by asking why.

JD's unease was only raised when Perry's hands left his hair and his arms came around JD to hold him closer to the older man. JD went willingly, his own arms wrapping around Perry's neck. He was scared now, wondering what had happened between this afternoon and tonight.

"Perry." He ventured. The arms around him tightened.

"Don't. For the love of god, Newbie, don't. I won't be able to; I won't, not if you talk. I swear to god I won't." Perry's voice was raw and broken, the way it had been in the days following Ben's death and for a brief moment JD wondered if someone had died. Then Perry's words caught up to him and he realized with a cold certainty just what Perry was trying to say.

He froze, his arms dropping from around Perry. He felt the older man sigh heavily just before he pulled away from JD. Perry stared at some point over JD's shoulder.

"Why?" JD asked, hating how his voice shook, hating that this was happening at all.

"It's time." Perry answered, voice hard again and familiar. JD lifted his head indignantly.

"Why?" He asked again. Perry ran a hand through his curls and took a half step away from JD.

"Look, Susanna, it was what it was. I just don't want to anymore." JD stared at him in disbelief.

"You don't really expect me to believe that after all these months, do you?" JD demanded, not sure where the back bone was coming from, but knowing that he'd never have another chance to say these things. Not say them and survive. Perry turned back to him with a growl.

"You'll believe what I god damn tell you, Newbie, and I don't want to hear another word about it. It's done. It was a stupid mistake. And it's done. I don't need it anymore." He grated out, fingers clenching into a fist. JD wondered if he was even aware of doing it. He had a thousand idiosyncrasies he didn't recognize in himself. JD knew them all. JD snorted in contempt.

"Well at least you can admit you needed it at all." He snapped back. Perry looked dumbstruck.

"You want to die tonight, kid? Because I know I've always encouraged you to grow a pair, but tonight is _not_ the night you want to do it." Perry's hands crossed over his chest and JD felt something in his break.

"Fine. Fine. It's done, okay? Just- go." When Perry hesitated, JD's temper flared. He took a step towards Perry, realizing for perhaps the first time that the other man wasn't all that much taller than he. "Go, Dr. Cox. Get out. I'll see you at work." There it was again, that broken expression that made JD feel queasy. But it was gone just as soon as JD had seen it and fury replaced it.

Perry grabbed the back of his neck and slammed their lips together. It hurt, their teeth clacked, and JD's could taste blood, but he opened his mouth all the same and reveled in the taste of Perry and scotch and coffee. He half sobbed and clutched desperately at Perry's shoulders, pulling their bodies together. Perry's hands, one around his neck, the other in his hair, tightened on him. It hurt, but he didn't care. He almost preferred it. When the hand on his neck dropped to start pushing his pants down off his hips he almost protested.

But some part of him, the fatalistic part, kept him quiet. If he only had one more time, god if he only had one more, he'd take it. And he'd hate himself for it later. His own hands finally let go of Perry's shoulders and moved down to grab the hem of Perry's sweatshirt and tug impatiently until Perry broke the kiss to let him pull it off. JD pulled the shirt off with it.

The second the shirt was over his head Perry lowered his head back down to kiss JD again furious and hard. His large hands found JD's hips and shoved his pants the rest of the way off, making JD almost trip over them. Perry steadied him, lips never leaving JD's.

Perry was growling, a dark sound deep in his chest. He toed his shoes off his ease and released JD briefly to shove his unbuckle his pants, pull himself out, and put the condom on. Then his hands were back on JD, a finger pushing its way into JD with only the barest amount of spit to lubricate it. That hurt too, but JD didn't care. He moaned into the harsh mouth on his and got a bite on his lip for his trouble. He tasted blood again and wondered how many cuts, bruised, and marks would cover him before this was done.

………….

Perry pushed another finger into JD, knowing there wasn't enough lubrication, caring, and then ignoring the care. He wanted JD with a ferocity that shocked him, scared him really, which only made him angrier. The way the fucking kid was moaning and clutching at his back was only spurring him on. Jesus, had he ever been with anyone who responded so readily to any little touch? If he had he couldn't remember.

His cock throbbed at the mere thought of being inside of JD. He pushed a third finger in, knowing he was losing patience, knowing he wouldn't care much longer if it hurt the kid or not. He felt JD's nails claw at his back and felt his fury rise again. The god damn kid wasn't supposed to leave marks. He growled loudly and felt JD shudder against him. He pulled his fingers out of JD and ripped his mouth away from JD's. The desperate whine that JD let out made Perry bare his teeth in a snarl. He lifted his hand to spit on it and dragged the hand over his condom covered cock. It was the best he could do, the best he had the patience for.

His hands reached under JD's ass the lift him until he wrapped his legs around Perry's hips. Perry caught JD's eyes and slammed his mouth back into JD's so that he wouldn't have to look anymore. The kid's mouth tasted like blood and sugar, and something indefinably _him_. Perry snarled and kissed him harder, moving backwards until he felt JD hit back into a wall. Using the hands under JD's ass, he parted his cheeks and began pressing into him. JD's broke his mouth away from Perry's to cry out as Perry pressed fully into him and one stroke that he knew was too fast and too much.

Perry trembled with the effort but managed to keep from moving. He didn't want to speak, too scared of what would pass his lips if he allowed them to open, but he had to.

"Okay, Newbie?" He asked his voice breathless, the words barely formed. JD's face was contorted in pain, but he nodded his head anyway, hair falling in his face. When he opened his eyes to meet Perry's there was something indescribable in them that terrified Perry.

"Just fuck me." He grated out and his legs around Perry's hips tightened.

JD was the one to slam his lips into Perry this time, and it was Perry's blood that flavored this kiss. Perry moved, even if he hadn't wanted to he wouldn't have been able to stop himself. He moved hard and fast and eventually JD's cried of pain, turned into loud moans that made Perry thrust harder and faster, digging his fingers into JD's hips and knowing he was leaving bruises there.

JD came without Perry even touching him, spilling out onto Perry's chest and Perry felt like it burned and branded him. He came a bare second later as JD clenched tight around him.

JD slumped boneless over him, so that Perry had to hold him up. His head lolled onto Perry's shoulder, his arms hanging limp down Perry's back, and his legs barely keeping their grip on Perry's hips. But his breath was harsh and hot on Perry's shoulders. And there was wetness that Perry wanted desperately to ignore against his neck.

Perry pulled out of JD more carefully then he had pushed in. JD shuddered against him and finally let his legs slip down. When his feet hit the floor he was unsteady, and Perry had to wrap his arms tight around him to keep him upright.

They stayed like that, for how long, Perry didn't know. He knew he was breaking his own rules, letting too much show. But in a few minutes it wouldn't matter. He'd walk out the door and it would be done, and nothing that he had allowed JD to see would matter.

When JD started to pull away Perry let him. They moved silently around the apartment, pulling on their clothing. When Perry finally pulled his sweatshirt over his head he found JD watching him, arms wrapped around himself. Perry opened his mouth to say something, anything. But JD cut him off.

"I'll see you at work, Dr. Cox." He said, voice empty of any emotion at all. It made Perry's stomach clench. He stared dumbly at JD. When the other doctor finally met his eyes there was no hiding the tears there. They left wet tracks down JD's cheeks. "You should go now. Carla and Turk will be home soon. And you have an ex-wife and a son to go home to."

"Damn it, Newbie." Perry growled out. JD's shoulder's slumped, the fight obviously leaving him.

"I love you. And I know I'm a million kinds of stupid for it, but it's there and it's real." JD said quietly. Perry felt a shock go through him at the words, he felt numb all over. "If you ever decide to get over whatever issues you have, let me know." JD gave him one last look. "This was nice while it lasted." He turned away and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Perry to stand staring after him.

A moment passed before he finally left the apartment. When he did, and the door closed behind him, he felt like something very important had died in him. He wondered why, or how, Newbie had managed to get that deep into him. Part of him hated it. But the other part… he shook his head. The other part didn't matter. He'd just ended that other part.

………….. 

Jordan had just put Jack to sleep when Perry came home. She made her way out into the living room to find he already had a glass of scotch in his hand. She watched him drink the whole thing down.

"Bad game?" She asked, crossing her arms under her chest. Perry jumped and looked at her. She stood a little straighter. He looked like a dead man walking, and she hated that phrase, but here was the walking personification of it standing in her living room.

His hair was wild and obviously tangled, and there was blood at the corner of his mouth from where it looked like he had a split lip. But more than that he was pale and somehow small looking. She took a cautious step towards him, surprised at how strongly she felt for him at that moment.

"The game's over." He answered her, eyes wide and shocked. He poured himself another glass and drank it down as fast as the first. She stared at him.

"You look like you got in a fight. It's been a while since you've gotten in a bar fight over a game." She fully entered the room, but stayed behind the couch. He took a third drink and then, to her surprise, put the scotch away.

"Something like that." He answered her. He looked at her, but she got the feeling he was staring through her. He walked over to where she was. "Jack asleep?" He asked. She nodded her head. "I think I'm going to go sit with him for a bit." He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head.

She stared at him in shock as he made his unsteady way into their son's bedroom.

……………

JD lay on the bed, curled up around himself as tight as could be. It was cold in the apartment, but he didn't have the energy to get under the covers. He hurt everywhere, but he couldn't honestly say he didn't take some satisfaction in that. His eyes were glued to the alarm clock on the side table.

An hour passed that way before he heard the door open and Turk and Carla's voices filled the apartment. He didn't answer their calling, figuring he could always pretend to be asleep if they came to the door.

"-his pager. I'm gonna put it in his room. What was he thinking, leaving it on the floor?" He heard Carla's voice as it came closer. The door opened and he suddenly found that he had no desire to be alone or to pretend to be asleep.

When Carla came in and set the pager near the alarm clock JD raised his head to look at her. She let out a startled gasp.

"_Bambi_! You scared me. Why didn't you answer us?" She asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"I don't feel well." He told her. And it wasn't a lie. She gave him a worried look and pressed a hand to his forehead. Her gentle touch felt good. He let himself smile.

"You feel a little warm, but not really feverish. Scoot, Bambi, let's get you under the covers." He did as she told him, and she lifted the covers for him, tucking him in once he was under.

The door opened again and Turk poked his head in.

"Baby?" He noticed JD was awake and grinned. "Oh hey man. We thought you were asleep." Turk frowned suddenly, coming into the room and leaving the door open so that light spilled in. "You okay, Vanilla bear?" He sat down next to Carla on the bed and they shared a concerned look.

"I just feel-." He searched for a word that encompassed all that he was feeling and found the simplest one worked best. "-I feel bad." He said, and closed his eyes against the prickle of tears.

"Oh Bambi." Carla ran her hand through his hair.

"Would you guys hang out with me in here? Maybe we could play a game." He looked at them hopefully.

"Monopoly!" Turk shouted and leapt off the bed. He turned around in the doorway. "But Carla gets to be banker." He warned. JD felt a grin spread on his face. Carla smiled at him and left the bed to turn the light on.

"You can sit up, but keep that blanket around you, JD. If you are sick, you want to be careful." She sat back down next to him. Turk came back in with the board game and began setting it up.

"Thank you, guys." JD said softly. They both looked at him, then at each other and back to him. 

"Bambi, are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, man, you wanna talk about something?"

JD shook his head. Carla gave Turk a significant look and then turned back to JD.

"Bambi, we know something has been going on that you haven't wanted to tell us. But you know you can come to us about anything." JD closed his eyes tight. He'd thought he'd been so careful. Just another point in Perry's corner. "You look terrible, JD. Are you sure you don't to talk?"

He took a deep breath and plastered on the biggest grin he could muster. Which it turned out, wasn't all that big.

"Only thing I wanna talk about is how bad I'm gonna kick your butts!" He said. They shared another look; one that JD knew meant they would let him get away with this diversion for now, but that he was in trouble later.

He was relieved when they both turned their attention to the game, and let him be. It was nice though, to have them with them.

He just didn't want to be alone.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

**Author's Note:** I like this chapter. I didn't at first, but then something caught me and now I am very happy with it. I hope everyone else is too!

**Megs626:** Thanks for reading! I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reading My Gunshot too. I'm both sad and happy that that's finished. I'm liking this story though and now I can spend more time on it. I hope you continue to enjoy it!

**Elise Davidson:** I always love your reviews! I decided to go with a more realistic approach to this one. My Gunshot sort of ignored the inconveniences of cannon (i.e. Jack, Perry's relationship with Jordan, etc). This one definitely doesn't. I hope it works out. I'm a little nervous since I'm going into the more emotional workings of the characters. But I guess we'll see. Hang Hood girl.

**Snow887:** Thanks for reading this one! I'd take any episode that let JD and Perry get it on, personally. But thanks for such an amazing compliment!

**Scarlet Storm:** Thanks! I'm glad you like it and hope you continue to do so.

**Hippiefromhell76:** I don't think there's a better compliment than someone saying the characters are real. Being in character is so very important to me. So thanks a lot.

**Samu:** Thanks for tuning in to this story! It's like seeing a familiar face when I see your reviews!

**Vanillabuzz:** Thank you thank you! What a great compliment!

**Doctor Caduceus**: Eeeh! What a compliment! What pressure! Make sure you eat though! You eat and I'll write and everyone can be happy. What do you say? Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Nope. I don't own it. Makes me cry.

**Author's Note:** I am really liking this story. I actually think it's coming out better than My Gunshot. It won't be nearly as long. I'm aiming for ten chapters at the_ most_!

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Perry came into the hospital feeling like a storm cloud was over his head. It seemed that every else could see it too, because interns and nurses alike were dodging out of his way. His back ached from the night before, and his shoulders looked like an angry cat had gotten a hold of him. He rolled his shoulders and reached out to grab his charts from the hand of a nurse who was holding them out as far away from her as she could. He glared at her for a moment before continuing on his way.

He could hear their muttering behind his back and he was sorely tempted to turn around and throw something at them while screaming, but he found himself lacking the will to do so. He didn't care, today of all days, about what they said or didn't say. He just wanted to get through his shift, avoid JD if he could, and go back home to his scotch.

But if their was a god, he was mocking him today, because as soon as he had the thought, JD came running out of a patient's room and ran straight into Perry's chest. He fell back onto his ass, landing with a loud yelp. Perry looked down at him, glaring so hard it actually hurt his face to do it.

"Get up and off the floor, Amanda, this is a hospital not your Yoga class!" He reached down and hauled JD up by his collar, ignoring the choking sounds the younger man was making. When he was on his feet he flung him away. JD tottered dangerously, before finding the balance Perry wasn't sure he actually had, and standing. "Now if you are done making a mockery of the entire medical profession you can move your ass out of my way, Gloria. Now!" He could feel the heat in his face, but more than that he could feel the eyes of everyone around them.

JD slowly raised his face, his eyes, to meet Perry's. Perry's open mouth, ready to fire another shot, shut tight.

JD was pale as a hospital sheet. Pale, except under his eyes, where rings that were practically bruises only heightened the lost, owlish expression in his cloudy eyes. His lower lip was swollen and on his neck, barely covered by his long sleeved shirt, was a dark bite mark that might have passed for a bruise to anyone except Perry, who had been the one to put it there. JD just stared at him. Perry felt the scowl leave his face. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut. It seemed like the scratches on his back throbbed in response to the look JD shot him.

"Newbie." He whispered, before he could stop himself. He fought the urge to look around and see who had heard it, but knew that would only look odd. He could hear people backing away anyways, trying not to draw his attention to them.

It seemed like the nickname was all it took. Color suffused JD's face, and he began scrambling to grab his charts. When he had them all gathered he started off, practically at a run, down the hall. Perry let his scowl settle back over his face. He looked around the hallway, and those few who had remained to see what would happen, scattered.

He looked up the hallway, but JD was long gone. With a sigh he told himself that was a good thing.

……………

Carla prided herself on being perceptive.

So when JD started spending less time tagging along on what was supposed to be Carla-Turk time, she knew something was up. At first she'd thought that he and Elliot had started up again, but a talk with Elliot let her know that Elliot was still doing the long distance thing with Sean.

When weeks passed and JD still didn't say anything to her or Turk, she began to get worried. But he seemed like he was fine, happy even. So whatever it was, she decided to let it go. Besides, with JD, sometimes you got more than you asked for. So for several months she let it go, convinced Turk to do the same, and let JD take whatever space he needed. It didn't seem to be hurting him at all, so she saw no harm.

But for the last week or so it had been obvious that something was very wrong. It had started the night she and Turk had come home and found JD in bed, looking pale and sick and a little bit like he'd been in a fight. But they hadn't asked him anything, mostly because of how completely exhausted and defeated he had seemed to be.

The last week hadn't shown much of an improvement. He wasn't eating, and he was barely sleeping. Carla could hear him getting up in the middle of the night, padding around the living room as quiet as he could. She had come out at least twice in the morning to see JD curled up on the couch, not really asleep, but not really awake either. He seemed fine at work, after that first day when he'd jumped at every loud noise. But he wasn't even bothering to do his hair, just letting dry as it was and pushing it out of his face when it got in his eyes.

Turk tried to get him to talk, but he kept insisting he was fine, that he just thought he was fighting something off.

She watched him now, sitting at the table in the break room, the hand on his face propping his head up as he tried to focus on the charts he needed to fill out. He didn't seem aware of her observation of him. He hardly seemed aware of anything at all.

She couldn't take it anymore. She got up from the couch and took the chair next to him, startling him out of his half sleep. He stared at her and gave her the fake smile he'd been passing off for a week now.

"Hey, Carla. This paper work is killing me, makes me want to just fall asleep." He paused and looked at her with a look of growing fear. "Why are you looking at me like that? Did Rowdy eat your socks again, 'cause I'm telling you, it's just a phase." She shook her head.

"Bambi, I want you to talk to me." He turned away from her and started piling his paper work back up. She put a hand on his to stop him and he looked at her. "I mean it. You look like hell. You need to talk about whatever it is that's been going on."

"It's nothing." He told her shortly, pulling his hand out from under hers. She raised her eyebrows at him.

"JD." She took the papers from him. "Talk to me. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

JD stared at his hands. When he looked at her, his eyes were watery and so sad it made her want to hug him as hard as she could.

"I can't talk about it, Carla. I can't." His voice broke.

"Why?" JD just shook his head at her.

"I was seeing someone, it's over now. But I think I loved him- her. I think I loved her." Carla's eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh, Bambi. Is this why you didn't tell Turk or me? Because it was a guy? You know we wouldn't care." She should have known. Why hadn't she seen it?

JD's face flamed red and he ducked his head. Carla reached out to touch his hand again, but he pulled away.

"JD, it's not that big a deal." She said softly. His head shot up and she was unnerved by the look in eyes, some horrific mixture of fear, sorrow, and anger. She'd never seen her Bambi look like that.

"It is a big deal. It is." He stood and grabbed the papers from her hands. "How many patients would switch service if they knew the doctor treating them was gay?" He asked her quietly, the expression on his face begging her to give him an answer he didn't already know. "Exactly." He turned and walked out of the door.

Carla sat back, watching the way he had come. She hadn't known. Oh they'd joked about it enough, and it wasn't really shocking. But she really hadn't known. But now that she did, she wondered who the guy had been.

……………

Jordan normally took immense pleasure in Perry's misery. Not because she didn't love him, because she did, in her way. But because there was something about it that seemed to balance out all the times Perry was right.

But as she stared into the room, where her son slept in his crib, and his father slept in the chair in the corner, she couldn't find any pleasure in it.

Perry hadn't slept in their bed for a week. She wasn't sure when the last time he'd eaten a full meal was, and the only thing she saw him consume on a regular basis was his scotch. He seemed to be becoming oddly attached to Jack. If he wasn't at the hospital, he was with Jack.

He muttered something under his breath and she froze. His hand clenched and unclenched. She was silent and still, waiting to hear it again.

"Newbie." He muttered, louder this time and clearer. She turned on her heel and left the room.

Well that settled it then. She had been right.

Now she didn't know what to do. It was obvious that Perry had ended it. It was just as obvious that it was killing him to have done so. She'd never seen Perry sulk. Ben's death had knocked him on his ass, but that wasn't the same. That wasn't this, this not caring.

She entered the bathroom, intent on getting ready for bed, but found herself staring at her face in the mirror.

"Now what?" She asked her reflection. It didn't answer, and eventually she continued with her nightly routine.

When she was done she looked one more time at herself in the mirror, there were still no answers for her.

She crawled into the empty bed and pulled the covers up to her chin, the way she used to when she was a little girl. She stared in the darkness at the door. It scared her to admit how much she wanted Perry to come through it. She wasn't sentimental, or emotional. She was content to be her own person and let Perry be his. But even she had to admit that she liked the way they came back to each other in the end.

Except that when she thought long and hard about it she realized that Perry hadn't been coming back to her for some time. They'd been together and then she'd left again and when she'd come back she had been pregnant. She'd come back to him, but he'd spent all that time going back to someone else, even if he hadn't realized it then.

When Perry had found out that Jack really was his, it had hurt him more that JD had kept the secret from him then that she had. The betrayal, in Perry's eyes whether he wanted to admit it or not, had been the boy's.

When Ben had died, it was DJ he took it out on. And it was DJ who had gotten him as far as the funeral. The kid had sat beside him, arm crushing his shoulder while he cried. And after the funeral, Perry had disappeared with him.

She rolled over, forcing herself to look away from the door.

She'd expected to be angry, and maybe she would be eventually, but at the moment, all she wanted was to sleep and forget everything she knew.

……………

On the outside, it was easier. JD could get through the work day just fine. He could look at Dr. Cox and remember how it had started; simple respect and a bit of hero worship for someone who was a not nice person, but an amazing doctor. He could avoid staring for too long; make sure his skin never brushed against Dr. Cox.

The thing was, it wasn't really the breaking it off part that had him so upset. It hurt, and seeing Perry was painful, JD couldn't deny that. Some small part of him died every time he saw Perry with Jordan and Jack. But what really ate at him was all the doubt Perry had managed to pollute him with.

JD had always thought, always believed, that getting where he wanted to go in life was a matter of how hard he wanted it. It didn't matter if he was weird, or strange, or goofy. If he was good at what he did, he would make it. He'd _known_ that. It had never been a question for him.

So when he'd fallen for Dr. Cox he hadn't really thought anything of it. He still liked girls, he'd always liked girls, but his heart belonged to Perry and he hadn't questioned the rightness of it. He'd only held back because he wasn't sure how Perry would react. The other man was so hard to read sometimes.

But Perry, he'd been terrified, which wasn't a word JD would ever have put to his mentor. He didn't want anyone to know because he had been so sure it would ruin him. JD had accepted it, figuring he would get over it eventually. But he hadn't. And instead, the whole thing was over.

JD lay on his bed, facing a pillow that still smelled like Perry.

And now, now he couldn't stop thinking that maybe Perry had been right. Maybe being weird. and being different, and falling in love with a guy really would keep him from being a good doctor. He'd meant what he had said to Carla. Patients would leave his service. Other doctors would have a problem with him, too. He couldn't even be sure how Turk would react.

He sighed and rolled to face away from the pillow, staring at the ceiling instead.

He heard the door to the apartment open and tensed. He didn't know if Carla would tell Turk what he had said in the break room. He wasn't sure if he was hoping she had told him, or if he was hoping she hadn't.

Footsteps made their way to his door and then paused. He watched the door curiously. A few moments passed and then a knock sounded. He took a deep breath.

"Come in." He said, and watched as the door slowly opened and Turk popped his head in. He grinned at JD, then came the rest of the way in. JD managed a smile back in return.

"So I was talking to Carla." Turk began, and JD cringed. His stomach gurgled unpleasantly at him. "So, who is he? And will I need to bring someone with me in order to take him out? Because, I can't be letting someone run around if he broke my Vanilla-bear's heart." Turk came to the bed and sat, looking at JD.

JD tried not to laugh, but couldn't stop himself. He searched Turk's face for any sign of disgust, or unease. But Turk just looked worried.

"Carla told you." He said, unnecessarily. Turk nodded.

"Dude, you could have told me. As long as you aren't lusting after this tasty bit of chocolate, we're all good. You should know that, man." Turk gave him a quick pat to the shoulder, shaking him slightly. JD felt relief course through him.

"I'm sorry man. I was- I was scared, I guess." He said. Turk shrugged.

"It's cool, V-bear. Just, next time, let me know what's up. It'll save me a lot of worrying and too much thinking." He shook his head at JD. JD grinned at him. "So who was it?" Turk asked. JD felt himself go cold. He shook his head.

"I can't tell you, Brown Bear. That's part of why- why it's done." He looked away, hating the feeling of tears in his eyes, the way his breath caught in his throat. Jesus, Perry was right, how much a little girl did he have to be? Turk put a hand on his arm and squeezed.

"Whoever it was really messed you up, huh?" Turk asked softly. JD nodded, wordless. "Want me to mess him up?" He asked. JD nodded again, laughing lightly even as the tears escaped his eyes.

"I'm a mess." He said. Turk furrowed his brow in concern.

"Come on, man, get up."

"Why?" JD wiped furiously at his face.

"Because if I don't get you to eat, Carla won't have sex with me ever again. And we should go drinking. So get up, get out of your scrubs. Fifteen minutes, meet me by the door or I'll sic Rowdy on you." Turk gave his shoulder another squeeze and got up and left the room.

JD sat up, realizing as he did that he felt better than he had all week. He was hungry, too. Maybe Perry was the one that was wrong. Turk didn't care, or Carla. And even if some patients did, the people who mattered wouldn't. 

Feeling more like himself he got off the bed and started getting ready. Drinks sounded really good about now.

……………

Perry woke to the sounds of Jordan slamming Jack's drawers shut, only to open them again. He lifted his head from the back of the chair, wincing at the screaming pain in his cramped muscles. He watched her silently for a moment, as she threw some of Jack's clothes into the duffle bag on the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked, voice harsh and edgy with sleep. She didn't even look at him, just kept grabbing clothes and stuffing them into the bag. "Jordan!" He snapped. She shot him a look and then continued what she was doing.

"I'm leaving. I'm taking Jack and I'm going to my mother's." She said shortly. He stared at her.

"You just came back from the seventh layer of hell, why would you go back so soon?" He stood, feeling unnerved by her energy and the attitude that rolled off of her in waves. "Stop moving, damn it, and tell me just what in the hell is going on." She froze and turned around, her face a carefully neutral mask.

"I'm leaving you." She said carefully and slowly. His stomach dropped.

"Why?" He asked, incredulous. But he already knew. Oh he knew. He put a hand on the chair to steady himself for what he knew was coming. He just couldn't figure out how she had found out. He'd been so damned _careful_ and it was over with.

"You know why. I'm not staying here, raising our child, in this- this- this joke that we call a relationship. I'm sure as hell not staying when you're in love with someone else." She turned, her hair whipping behind her, to grab the duffle bag and storm out of the room.

Perry pulled his fingers through his hair and went after her.

"Jordan, wait! Jordan! Stop!" He followed her out to the living room, where his son was playing with his blocks again. She had a suitcase already by the door and she dropped Jack's bag next to it.

"You love him." She snarled at him, and the words made him come to an abrupt stop. "You call his name out in your sleep, and he's all you ever talk about. And then you started sleeping with him." The anger seemed to leave her suddenly, and he was reminded painfully of his argument just over a week ago, with JD. He winced.

"It was just- just sex. For the love of god, Jordan, you do it all the time. You can't really fault me for it." He said, face contorted into an expression of both pain and annoyance.

"That's just it, Per. I'm the one who cheats. You've never, not once, had someone on the side. And that- that was the first thing that told me it wasn't just about sex." She sounded calm, as if all this were something she had resigned herself to. He looked away from her too serene expression.

"It was just- just a mistake." He said, resignation coloring his tone. And it was, Christ, if it hadn't ended up being the biggest mistake. He never should have started it.

"Oh you don't get to take that out, buddy, because I know damned well that kid would never make the first move. So it was your decision, your move! You had to have known what you were doing!" She shouted at him. She looked over at Jack, who had started looking up at his parents. She pushed past Perry and went into the bedroom.

Perry stared after her for a moment, then looked at his son, before following her. He shut the door behind them. She was facing away from him, but when the door closed she turned on him.

"Jordan-." He began. But she put up a hand.

"You need to figure out what you're going to do." She told him, but he could still hear the venom in her voice.

"It's done. I ended it." He told her and she snorted in disbelief at him.

"You haven't slept in our bed in a week. Which, I'm willing to bet, would be around when you broke it off with him. It's not done." She narrowed her eyes. "You need to take some time and figure out who you want and what you want."

Something that felt like panic settled in his chest and made it hard to breath. This was exactly what he had been worried about. He didn't want to disrupt his son's life, his own life, because of what had happened between him and JD.

"You can't take my son from me." He rasped out, feeling like a hand was tightening around his throat. She looked at him then, and her face broke.

"I'm not. That's not what I'm saying. I'm so angry with you right now, I just- I can't be here. And I'm not leaving my son here. You're a doctor, you don't have the time." She looked away from him. "But I'm not saying… I'm not saying that I'm leaving and never bringing him back. I'm leaving you to figure out what you want."

Perry walked over to her, but didn't touch her. He wasn't sure if she would let him.

"Jordan, I want you. Look, I'm sorry I did it. I shouldn't have, but it's done now." Jordan was shaking her head and he wanted to shake her. Didn't she understand? He wasn't going back to JD. He was done. He was done. He had to be, like he had to ignore how much it hurt every time he thought it.

"Oh Perry, you're so fucking stupid sometimes. It isn't just him. You love him. Honestly, I can't believe I didn't see it before this. You and me, we're always going to be you and me. I'm pissed and I could kill you right now, because it was supposed to work this time. But you-." She sighed in frustration and pulled hand through her hair. "I need to go now, Perry. I'll call." She walked around him then and back out into the living room.

He watched her from the doorway, as she grabbed up Jack. Perry darted from the room and grabbed her shoulder. She turned and he held his arms out. Jack looked from his mother to his father and then held his arms out for Perry. Perry took him gratefully, holding him tight.

"I'll see you in a little bit, Jacky boy. You be good for your mother. Be rotten to your grandmother." He pulled the boy back a bit to kiss his forehead. Jack watched him, eye wide and worried. Reluctantly Perry handed him back to Jordan.

"You won't keep him from me?" He asked, and hated the worry in his voice, the slight desperation. Jordan held his eyes for a moment.

"I won't." She said. He watched her as she went to the door and grabbed their things.

"You need help?" He called out to her. She shook her head.

"I got it, Perry." Jack, over her shoulder, waved. Perry waved back.

The door shut behind them, leaving Perry alone.

………………..

"Where the fuck is Carol?" Dr. Cox snarled.

Carla's eyes widened and looked at him in disbelief. He was not coming in here and talking to her like that. She crossed her arms under her chest and looked at him, not answering. He glowered at her, but she'd been dealing with that for years, and was unfazed.

"Make crazy eyes at somebody else, because you're not getting an answer out of me unless you calm down and ask me nicely." She told him, and went back to what she had been doing before he had stormed in. Honestly, the mood he had been in all week.

Her head shot up and she stared at him.

"Oh, what in the hell are you looking at me like that for?" He asked. Carla noticed for the first time how dark the circles under his eyes were, how pale the skin was beneath his unshaven beard.

"Why are you looking for Bambi?" She asked him. He just stared at her. "Bambi's having a hard time right now, and I'm not going to let you make it worse for him." She caught the slight wince he gave at the mention of JD's trouble.

Carla, once on the scent of something, never had trouble finding it. And she was pretty sure she'd just happened upon the trail that had JD up at night and not eating. She eyed Perry warily.

"Oh god forbid Nancy have a bad week." He snarled.

His head shot up suddenly, as if he'd caught some scent in the air that she couldn't. He turned slightly and she looked over his shoulder to see JD walking down the hallway, shoulders slumped and looking as if he needed a nap. Carla watched Perry's face carefully. She'd known him a long time, but even she had trouble reading the expression on it now. He turned back to her with a grim smile.

"You be nice to him or I'll sic Jordan on you." She warned him.

"Jordan's gone." He told her shortly. Her mouth fell open.

"What do you mean, gone?" She asked. He rolled his eyes with an expression that told her quite clearly that he was disappointed in her level of stupidity.

"I mean, Jordan took my kid and most of her stuff and left." He snarled. She put a hand to her chest.

"Why?" Though she was getting the sneaky suspicion she already knew.

She caught his glance back at JD.

"Because I'm an idiot." He told her. Then he was off, making a straight line for JD, who hadn't even noticed him yet.

She stood frozen, completely in shock. It was hard to believe, but now that she had the thought, she couldn't let it go. JD's guy was Dr. Cox. And as shocking as that was, it made perfect sense. How many times had they picked on JD for having such a crush on Dr. Cox?

But how could she possibly have known that Perry would do anything about it. He was always such a man's man. She watched them, disbelief making it hard for her to understand what was happening.

But JD looked like he was about to be dragged off to his death, and Perry looked like he was going to hurt them both. But JD let himself he pulled away and as they disappeared down the hallway Carla caught a glimpse of the desperate look he gave Dr. Cox.

"Oh my god." She said to herself.

The whole world had just turned upside down.

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**Author's Notes:** How come every chapter that I actually have slightly planned always fights me? Geez. Hope this chapter is okay, it fought dirty. Trying desperately to keep people in character, not sure how I'm doing.

**Elise Davidson:** This is hard! I have new found respect for just how angsty you go and still manage to keep them all in character. Whew. Hang Hood girl!

**Dirtyprettything:** I actually kind of liking this one better too! Thanks for reading! And for forgiving me, of course.

**Megs626:** I was really happy with chapter 2; it was really what I wanted it to be. I'm glad you liked it. I hope you like this one too.

**Saltoftheearth:** I appreciate you reading this, especially since you aren't really into slash. I hope I can continue to keep you interested!

**(Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Sorry I don't have the time to respond to all of them tonight, I really want to get this posted! But please read and review! Reviews are like cookies and milk for the writing soul! )**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Wish they were so I could play for a while. -

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the long wait, we've had family visiting from NY for the last ten days, so finding time at my computer was pretty impossible.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

JD liked to think that as a doctor he was responsible for saving plenty of lives. Not always in big ways, but sometimes in small ways.

He'd never had someone accuse him of ruining their lives.

That changed the moment Perry pushed him into the supply closet and locked the door behind them.

He couldn't say he wasn't terrified. The last time he'd been this close to Perry had been the day after their last night together. And Perry had been biting and cruel and so angry that JD almost couldn't understand it.

Now, when Perry turned around, instead of seeing the anger that had been there and that he had been expecting, he saw a peculiar kind of defeat.

"You've ruined my life, Newbie." The older man gasped out, tangling is own hands in his messy curls. JD stared at him wide eyed, not understanding what he was talking about.

"What-?" He began, but Perry, who hadn't been looking at him, suddenly pinned him with hard glare.

"Jordan left." He snapped. Shock seemed to numb JD from head to toe. He stared dumbly at Perry. "She figured it out. And she took Jack and went to her mother's."

Outrage replaced the shock.

"She can't take your son!" He cried out. Perry stared at him like he had two heads. It was better than his glare, but still scary. He blundered on. "I mean, she can't have any evidence, and we aren't- we aren't- you know… anymore. We aren't! She can't just take him!" He was caught in a desperate desire to keep anything from happening that could take Jack away from Perry. He knew, maybe better than anyone, how much the kid meant to Perry. How could Jordan do this?

Perry had gone still and was watching him. JD stopped talking and stared back. He took a hesitant step closer to Perry. The older man's hands clenched into fists at his side. JD wondered if he would hit him once he got close enough. But JD got close enough to touch and no hit came.

"Dr. Cox- Perry, I'm sorry." He whispered. Perry's eyes widened.

"You ruined my life." He repeated and it hurt JD to hear it. He lowered his eyes, looking to the side. "She thinks I'm in love with you." Perry scoffed. JD raised his eyes at that. "I'm not." Perry told him.

He didn't understand why Perry had dragged him in here for this. Didn't understand why they were even talking about it. It was done. Perry had ended it himself. So why wasn't he off chasing Jordan down so he could keep his life together? Hadn't that been the whole point? Anger made him brave, where normally he might have been afraid.

"Then why are you locked in a supply closet with me, when you're ex-wife just left you and took your kid with her?" He demanded, meeting Perry's angry glare.

"She left." Perry said, as if that were the answer.

"She left. _I_ didn't. This is not my fault. I didn't ruin your life! _You_ did this! You ruined _both_ of us!" JD shouted, feeling all the fury he'd been avoiding for a week burning through him. Perry's scowl deepened. But JD ignored it. "You have no idea what you've done to me! You don't even know what you did to yourself! So don't drag me in here and tell me _I _did this! I was content to let it be! _You did this!_" He shoved the other man, almost surprised by how far he moved him.

He expected a lot of reactions to his outburst.

He didn't expect the sudden press of lips on his, hands that grasped tightly at his hips, and the low groan of emotion that Perry let out into his mouth as it opened beneath the onslaught of Perry's lips. JD wanted to fight, wanted to push Perry away and say something smart ass about how people who didn't love other people didn't usually respond to anger by kissing them, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.

He'd spent months learning the body that pressed against him now. Months of kissing every inch of it, of letting his hands run over muscle and warm skin, and his fingers tangling in soft curls. And for the last week, he'd pined for it in ways he hadn't imagined were possible outside of the pages of cheap romance novels.

He wanted to push Perry away.

But his hands lost themselves in the loose curls at the base of Perry's neck and pulled the other man closer, so that their bodies pressed against each other, finding the alternating curves and angles of each until they fit together like pieces of a puzzle. They fit, oh they fit. If only Perry could admit it.

Perry's hands left his hip, trailing up his back until one buried itself in his hair, and the other wrapped warmly around the back of his neck. The lips on his gentled, Perry's tongue tracing softly along his lower lip. Perry's hips moved slowly into his and he could feel the other man's erection against his thigh. It made a shiver run through his body and he clutched tighter to Perry.

He moaned again, and just as suddenly as they had been there, the lips and the other body were gone.

Perry stared at him wildly from across the room. JD stared back, too scared to move or speak.

"God _damn you_, JD." Perry snarled, and then he was unlocking the door and flinging it open without a backwards glance.

Staring after him, JD let himself slide down the wall. He put his head in his hands and tried to breath.

He had no idea what had just happened. And he certainly didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad.

………………

Perry stared at his reflection in the mirror. It held no answers for him. His hands were shaking as he ran them under cold water. He brought them to his face and covered his eyes, letting the cold water run down his flushed skin.

He lowered them carefully, as if expecting to see something else in the mirror. But there was nothing but him.

It had been stupid, extraordinarily stupid of him, to go after JD. He never should have gotten near him, because every time he did he couldn't help but want to touch the stupid kid. His whole body felt like a live wire.

Some part of him, the part he ignored most fervently, wondered how much longer he could deny what he felt for JD.

His mind couldn't quite process all that had happened, from ending it with JD, to not being able to function afterwards, to Jordan finding out and leaving. He thought of Jordan leaving, taking Jack with her, and his stomach turned.

He splashed cold water on his face again, but it didn't help.

"Stupid." He muttered to himself.

"Damn straight you are." A feminine voice said from the doorway. He spun around. Carla closed the door behind her and locked it.

"What are you doing? Shouldn't you be babysitting Gandhi or something?" He asked, turning away from her to wash his hands again, a futile attempt to remove the feeling of JD's hair sliding silkily through his fingers.

In the mirror he saw Carla watching him carefully. He stared at her, rubbing his hands with the soap.

"For christ's sake, Carla, say what you have to say and then leave me alone." He sighed out. He had no patience for being dressed down at the moment.

"You know, I wouldn't believe it, except that I know you both so well." She told him. He raised an eyebrow at her. "How stupid could you be? Starting up with Bambi?" She looked disappointed and that made him angrier than anything else she said could have. He swallowed hard, trying to not let it show, hoping he could still deny this.

"I honestly have no idea what you're babbling on about there, mama bird, but if your precious daughter thinks I've wronged her somehow she should come talk to me." He reached over and grabbed at the paper towel. He dried his hands furiously and finally turned to face her.

"Don't think you can play this with me." She warned him. He scoffed and started to walk past her. He should have known she'd do it, but he didn't. Her arm shot out and she caught him in his stomach and while it didn't hurt, it still got him to stop moving. He looked down at her.

"Carla." He said warningly.

"I want to know how you plan on fixing this." She said flatly. "You knew, you had to have known what would happen. Despite your behavior I know you aren't stupid. So why would you do this? Why start something with Bambi and then obviously mishandle it. And you're supposed to be with Jordan!" She poked his chest hard.

He glared. The absolute last thing he needed today was to deal with Carla's attitude.

"I'm giving you warning, because you're the only person in this hell hole that I actually respect or like; back off. This has nothing to do with you." She looked so affronted that he almost laughed. When he went to move forward she stopped him again.

"How dare you? Nothing to do with me? Who do you think has been taking care of Bambi for the last week! How could you do this to him? I know you like to act all tough and like you don't care, but I always knew you did. You wanted him to succeed and do well and you wanted him to make it. So why would you do this?" Her small hand was on his chest, keeping him from moving past her and through the door. He growled low in his throat, but she just stared at him.

"It was a mistake, I tried to fix it. Now back off, Carla." She scoffed at him.

"A mistake? Oh no, a mistake is signing off on the wrong chart, or forgetting someone's birthday. A mistake is not making a play for your intern!"

He closed his eyes, trying to shut out her continuing rant. He'd known it would be too much to think JD wouldn't open his big fucking mouth. He seethed inside, trying not to let Carla see it. That stupid, idiotic, scrawny-

"-Had to have known that he felt something for you! So what was it? Was your ego suffering? Give me a reason to not to beat your ass!" Carla was ranting.

"I didn't mean for this to happen!" He roared, effectively shutting her up. She looked at him in surprise. "And that fact that Janine couldn't keep her mouth shut is just one more reason why it's over!" She laughed at him, and that shocked the anger right out of him. She was laughing?

"You think JD told me? You don't know him at all, do you? He's kept this thing a secret for months! We worried and worried, but we never suspected _this_. With _you_, of all people! You want to know how I found out, Mr. Big Bad Doctor? Because I've watched him pining away all week! And just this afternoon I watched you doing the same damn thing. I _should_ have realized it earlier with how obvious you are!" She shook her head at him. "You think you're doing such a good job keeping it a secret, but I _saw_ your face earlier! You are just as broken as he is and I'm willing to bet that's exactly why Jordan left."

She stopped for a moment and he felt his body go cold. How could this many people know something that he himself wasn't even willing to know?

"You thought you could do this and not get involved. But you've been involved since Bambi walked in those doors, batted those eyes at you, and proclaimed you the closest thing he'd ever know to god. You just can't admit it. And _that's_ why you ended it, and _that's_ why you're moping, and _that's_ why Jordan left, because even Jordan would be able to see it."

He tried to laugh it off but it came out a strangled sound that was somehow more vulnerable than anything he might have said. Her face almost softened towards him and that, _that_, was beyond tolerable. He scowled hard and shoved his way past her.

"You can keep your damned observations to yourself. And you can sure as hell tell Jenny that no matter how many of her girlfriends say otherwise I don't feel anything for her. _Nothing._ Not a god damned thing in hell." He snarled as he opened the door, disconcerted by the fact that he didn't quite have the courage to look back at the woman.

The door slammed shut behind him and he felt like he could breathe again.

……………

The problem with staying with her mother was that it was hard to avoid a woman whose house she had just invaded.

But Jordan certainly tried.

She had no desire to explain to her mother what Perry had done this time that had sent her running back home. The last thing she ever wanted to do was talk to anyone about the fact that the father of her son, her ex-husband, was in love with his dorky, geeky, idiotic, daydreaming intern, when he was supposed to be in love with her.

Jack was sleeping, for which she was infinitely grateful. She stood in the kitchen, an area of the house her mother rarely entered, staring out the window. The glass of wine in her hand was untouched, but the smooth glass and the potential of the drink soothed her.

It had been almost a week now. Perry had called three times, not to talk about what was happening, but to ask when he could see Jack. That alone seemed to be an answer.

In the morning she would bring Jack to see Perry, since he had the day off. She was debating whether she would stay or not. She wasn't quite sure if she wanted to listen to him try to explain what had happened, or was happening. She thought maybe it would be better if she really did keep herself out of the equation for as long as possible.

Somehow though, she was sure that whether she stayed out of it or got involved, it wouldn't change the truth. Perry was in love with DJ.

With a deep sigh she lifted the glass to her lips and drank it all down.

How the _hell_ hadn't she seen this coming?

She heard noise in the hallway and looked to see the shadow of her mother, probably looking for Jordan. She grabbed the wine glass and the bottle beside it and darted out of the room.

She really had no desire to talk at all.

……………….

It was a relatively cold morning, but the sky was clear and blue with no signs of rain. The park was full of children, even this early in the morning.

Perry watched the parking lot avidly, waiting for Jordan and his son. The dark brown hooded sweatshirt he wore was just warm enough. It felt good to be out of the hospital. And that, in and of itself, was slightly frustrating. The hospital had always been his refuge.

Now he had to endure Carla scowling at him, and if she wasn't scowling she was looking like she wanted to hug him and sit down for a good long girl talk. Gandhi was refusing to agree with him on any of the surgical consults he called him in for, and the minute they weren't in front of the patient the other man didn't have a civil word for him.

Those two things alone might not have bothered him except that JD was behaving as if absolutely nothing were wrong. It just wasn't right. JD should be the one not eating, not sleeping, feeling like he was walking in some sort of ghost world where everything was hazy and milky. He shouldn't be sitting down at lunch and grinning goofily at his friends. He shouldn't be flirting with the new nurse that everyone had the hots for.

Perry growled low in his throat and cut the thoughts off, earning him a suspicious glare from the mother sitting just one bench over. He shook his head and moved his eyes over the parking lot.

"We parked on the other side." He heard her voice behind him. He turned and saw Jordan walking up behind him, Jack in her arms. The little boy's face lit up and he spread his arms out to reach for Perry.

Perry stood quickly and walked over to grab his son. He took the boy gratefully, hugging him tightly.

"Hey Jacky-boy." He said. The little boy giggled and something eased in his chest. "Jordan." He said warily, looking at her over Jack's head.

"Perry." She took the diaper bag from her shoulder and handed it out to him. "This should be enough for today. I'll come and pick him up later tonight. I'll call first."

He took the diaper bag from her. He wanted to say something, something that would make her stay so that they might talk. But he found himself unable to find the words, and for a moment he considered that maybe he didn't want to find them.

"He missed you." She said, saving him from his own silence. He stared at her. The diaper bag he let fall to the ground, ignoring the glare Jordan sent him as he did.

"I missed him too." He paused, not sure how or if he should continue. "You should come home, Jordan. Both of you." She snorted at him.

"You know what, Per, I don't think that's going to happen." She looked away from him for a moment, and then looked back with a guarded expression. "Do you even realize that the last three times you called you only asked about your son?

He had no answer for her to that. He hadn't realized it. He didn't even really remember the conversations. Perry had only known that not seeing his son was killing him, and he hadn't expected that really. He hadn't known he was that attached to the kid, to anybody.

He stopped at that thought, at the immediate image of JD that it brought to mind, and frowned hard.

"Perry?" Jordan was staring at him like he'd grown two heads. Jack, in his arms, had reached up to grab his face in his small hands.

"I just- I just think you should come home. I told you, this thing with JD-." He stopped when she started shaking her head.

"Don't lie to me. Better yet, Perry, don't lie to yourself. It's not done. This _thing_ with you and him. God-." She laughed and there was a bitterness to it. "You- you really don't know yourself do you? I mean, you _really_ don't." She put a hand on her hip and stared at him for a moment. "I left because it's done, Perry. This whole perfect family picture you want so bad but can't bring yourself to follow through on, it's cracked and it's over. And I won't take your son from you, but I'm not going to stay in a fake relationship for the sake of my son. I'd rather be honest with him and let him deal with separated parents and a gay dad than-."

"I'm not gay!" Perry snarled, fury white hot and burning just behind his eyes. His temple throbbed with it. This was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid, being put in some ridiculous box, as if this stupid thing with JD was all there was to him!

"Fine. He'll have to deal with the fact that his father is in love with and having a sexual relationship with another man. Jesus, Perry, it's not like you're the first man to figure out late in life what he's really attracted to, although honestly I don't see what it is about DJ that gets you going the way it does. I mean he wasn't half bad when I slept with him, but he's a little scrawny, and for a doctor he's kind of… well… stupid, really."

"Shut up about JD, Jordan." A different kind of anger seemed to bubble up in his chest, the kind of anger he didn't want to examine. "Just shut up. All Jack's going to have to worry about is who he spends his holidays with!" He growled.

Jordan smiled, and it was infuriating. Perry wondered just how much angrier he could get before his head or his heart or some other important part of him just exploded.

"You know, for someone who was just telling me fifteen minutes ago that I should come home, you aren't really fighting that hard for the relationship, are you? I mean, you're already dividing the holidays. Maybe you should think about that. Maybe you should think about a lot of things."

She turned and walked away, finally. He looked down at his son, who smacked his hands onto Perry's face with a loud squeal of joy. The anger seethed away slowly. Defeat replaced it. She was right, he didn't fight for her. He didn't want to. He just wanted his son and quiet and peace.

And if he were honest with himself, for even the barest moment, he wanted the calm of late nights spent in a bed other than his own, of hands running through his curls, of restless murmuring and the smell of sex and coconut hair product.

……………

Days when Dr. Cox wasn't in the hospital were always easier to deal with, JD was realizing. It wasn't often that the other doctor had off. This meant that JD didn't have to waste energy he just didn't have by pretending to be okay. It took more out of him than he had thought it would, to act as if he were his old self. He knew Carla didn't buy it, but Turk seemed decently convinced, and Elliot hadn't noticed anything as of yet. Of course, she was busy with her own drama. That was fine with JD, the less people he had asking him how he was, the better he felt.

Without Dr. Cox in the hospital, he could concentrate on the other thing that was killing him inside lately. A patient who had been admitted last week, and who had quickly become a favorite of his, was dying. There was nothing he could seem to do for her. Every time they managed to get control of one infection, another took its place.

He sighed and picked at the muffin that Carla had brought him. He was just grateful she had been too busy to sit around and make sure he ate it. He left the muffin in peace and stared back down at Mrs. Benson's chart in front of him. The infection was in her lungs now. And until they got that infection out, and the fluid it was causing, they couldn't continue the chemo treatment on her breast cancer.

He was so intent on the chart that he startled when the chair across from him scraped across the floor and was inhabited by the last person he wanted to see right then. Jordan smiled at him, and he swore there was evil in it. He couldn't help the small squeal that he let out.

"DJ." She said, tapping her fingers lightly on the table.

"It's- uh-it's JD." He reminded her, knowing it was useless.

"Would you rather I call you home-wrecker?" She asked him, still smiling. He flinched. "I'm kidding. Like there was a home to even wreck." She snorted.

He stared at her in silence, terrified to open his mouth.

"So how long was it going on?" She asked, putting both hands on the table and steepling her fingers.

He swallowed hard and wished fervently that someone, anyone, would walk in the door. He looked to the door, but no help came. He swallowed again.

"Since- uh- since Ben… died." He answered quietly, clearing his throat against the tightness in it.

"When did he end it?" She asked him. JD started nervously piling up his papers.

"Look, I really think that you should talk to Dr. Cox about all of this because-." He started to stand.

"Sit down!" She snapped at him. He did. The chair hit his tailbone at an odd angle and he winced. "Now, I'm not going to go talk to _Dr. Cox_ about this. I'm talking to you, because irony of ironies, you're actually the rational one in all of this. Now tell me."

"Two weeks ago. He ended it two weeks ago." He stared at his muffin. At least his muffin didn't smile in a way that was scarily mechanical.

"Have you told him you love him?" His head snapped up to look at her, eyes wide and frightened. Her smile was gone, replaced by a carefully blank expression.

"What? No. I don't- I don't." JD felt his skin flush red and ducked his head. He could think of a million different things he'd rather being doing right then than having the conversation he was having with Jordan.

"Do I look stupid to you?" She asked him angrily. He looked, resolutely, at the papers in his hands. "Grow a pair, Lucy. You had the balls to sleep with him, at least have the balls to admit it's more than sex. The two of you are pathetic." She snipped. He looked up at her at that.

"The two-?"

"Don't play innocent. You two are so sick over each other it's disgusting." She snorted in contempt.

JD felt the by now familiar churning in his stomach start up.

"Hey JD, what's- oh Jordan." Elliot came up just short of the table, interrupting the uncomfortable silence that had followed Jordan's last statement. JD smiled in relief.

"What's up Elliot?" He asked, a little too eagerly because she looked at him strangely.

"I wanted to ask you something about one of my patients, Mr. Marino." Elliot brushed her bangs out of her face, looking back and forth between JD and Jordan. JD gave Jordan a nervous smile.

"Well it's been really nice, Jordan, but I have to go now, you know, do the doctor thing." He patted his name tag. "I'm a doctor." Jordan rolled her eyes at him.

"Barely." She snapped, and stood from the table. JD ducked and covered his head when she walked by, but she did nothing.

There were several moments of silence in which Elliot just stared at him, with her lip curled in confusion.

"What was that about?" She asked, flipping a hand in Jordan's direction. JD shrugged.

"I don't know. She's crazy." He said, and didn't think it that far from the truth. Elliot shrugged.

"Hey, are you gonna eat that muffin?" She asked, already grabbing for it.

JD shook his head, standing and piling his papers. He followed Elliot from the room, while she talked a mile a minute through the muffin in her mouth. At least Carla would think that he'd eaten it.

………………

Waking up seemed more difficult with every passing day. He thought it would be easier after spending the day with his son. But the cloud that circled his head, that he couldn't seem to shake, was just as dense as it had been for the last two weeks. It was ridiculous, he thought, for someone as emotionally stunted as him to be feeling this much. The scotch wasn't helping anymore. Nothing seemed to be helping.

Now he was watching from the nurses' station, trying to be discreet, as JD rushed into and out of his patient's room. There was panic in his face, which let Perry know without anyone having to tell him that JD was losing the patient.

He'd heard Barbie and Carla talking about it when he had first come in. He didn't want to care, but he found himself watching JD as he tried everything he could think of to save a patient that he had stupidly gotten himself attached to.

Perry waited, and about a half an hour later it was over. JD walked out of the room, head hanging, hands buried in product free hair. It was a stance, Perry could see now, that he had adopted from Perry himself. He wondered briefly what other habits the kid had picked up. He didn't stop to consider that maybe he'd picked up a few of his own. Carla came up behind JD, but he shrugged her off and started off down the hallway. He would head for the roof, Perry knew, because that was where he always went.

Without meaning to Perry found himself walking slowly up the steps towards the door that led to the roof.

The night, when he opened the door, was cool and clear. The kind of night that people wrote poetry about, he supposed, if he were the type to like poetry.

JD was sitting on the edge, knees drawn up to his chest, staring out. They were rare, these moments where he was completely still. Perry just watched him for a moment, trying to decide whether or not he should even be up on the roof.

Habit, more than anything else, finally got him moving. He made his way to the ledge and leaned against it, facing the opposite way JD was. JD didn't acknowledge him, but that wasn't a surprise.

"You did what you could, Newbie." Perry said, his voice rough. The nickname flowed off of his tongue without thought.

"How would you even know? You weren't around." JD snorted and shook his head in irritation. Perry rolled his eyes, but found it was easy to keep his temper.

"I know because I know you. And I'm telling you, you did what you could." He said again, more firmly. JD didn't argue this time, but sat silently beside him. His breathing was off, and Perry knew he was crying. "People die, Newbie, you know that. By now, you have to know that."

"Mrs. Benson was a good person. She was only fifty-six, she deserved more time." JD said, voice breathless and soft. "Her first grandchild is due in a month."

"You can't get attached, JD. You shouldn't get attached." Perry told him. He felt JD's eyes move over his face, but he refused to return the look. With a sigh JD looked away again.

"It's who I am." He said quietly.

Perry couldn't argue. He knew it was true, this was JD. He got attached and he got himself hurt and then he wanted someone to help him pick up the pieces. Perry had been doing it, in his own way, for three years now.

"Why did you come up after me?" JD asked, looking at Perry again. Perry shrugged, hoping for a nonchalance that he didn't feel.

"Habit. Guess I got used to picking up after you." He said, letting his aggravation color his tone. JD sighed again, but didn't look away.

JD was so close that Perry could feel his body heat coming off him in waves. His hand twitched with the subconscious desire to reach over and touch. He was hyper aware of all of the younger man's movements. When he let his knees fall and turned to jump down from the ledge, Perry jumped a few inches away. JD stared at him, standing almost in front of him now.

Perry tried not to look at him, knowing that eye contact would break down too many well constructed walls, walls he wasn't ready to let fall.

"Thank you." JD said softly. Perry was surprised by the gentle warmth of JD's lips on his. His hand clenched into a fist at his side, but JD was walking away from him before he could react.

"Don't do that." Perry snarled, but his heart wasn't in it, and his hand was now trembling. JD turned slowly to look at him.

"I love you, Perry. I can accept that, and everything that comes with it. So thank you, for coming up here, whatever the reason was." He said, though he couldn't meet Perry's eyes.

"Shut up." He snapped. He pulled his hands through his curls, suddenly aware of the night not being cool enough to keep his palms from sweating.

"No." JD said simply, and then he was walking through the door and Perry could see him disappear down the stairwell before the door closed behind him.

Perry blew out a hard breath and turned to face away from the door. His stomach rolled, but it wasn't the same unpleasant way it had been for the last two weeks. He tugged at his tangled curls.

"For fucking christ's sake." He muttered at the sky, staring blankly above him.

The stars didn't answer.

"I don't fucking love him. I don't give a shit what he does." He told them. One winked obscenely in and out of his view. He glared harder. "I don't."

But that part of him that he'd been able to ignore up until then was a roaring his ears, the sound of his blood pumping too hot and too hard. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

The stars kept winking.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

**Author's Note II:** There are parts of this chapter I like, and parts I hate. But I guess I'll have to be satisfied with that. I can't apologize enough for taking so long to update. Next chapter should take much less time! Thanks for reading and I hope you like!

**Author's Note III:** I'm trying _so very hard_ to go for realistic here! So I did things like have Carla not know right away that Dr. Cox was JD's guy, and being surprised when she figured it out. And not ignoring the Perry/Jordan/Jack dynamic. I totally did that in My Gunshot, but didn't care because I made a conscious decision to cut them out. This story is a different animal altogether. I hope I am succeeding.

**(Oh god, thank you all so very much for the **_**GREAT**_** reviews! I am so very exhausted right now that I just **_**can't**_** find the energy to respond to all of them. I promise my next chapter will have responses! I hate not having the energy to do them. But having people invade your house for well over a week is always draining and stressful no matter how much you love them!)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Never will be.

**Author's Note:** _So_ sorry it took so long. The chapter _fought_ me and on top of that I was wrestling with a very nasty stomach bug for several days. Ugh, give me head colds and congestion any day please, just leave my tummy alone! And there is just craziness going on in my private life. Regardless, I will try to not take as long with the next. Sorry again.

………………………………………………………………………………………

JD sat still and quiet in the chair. The room was empty now; the body of Mrs. Benson had been taken. He stared at the empty bed, thinking of too many things at once. Perry was not the least of them. But most of his thoughts, the ones that didn't flitter away and splat against the windshield of some random, karmic car, were about life in general. The idea of missing so much of it, it terrified him. It always would. It was why he couldn't help but get attached to people. What if he closed himself off and he missed the opportunity to know someone that could change his entire life?

He snorted to himself. If he'd been able to do that then this whole mess with Dr. Cox would be a non-issue. He raised the hand that rested on the arm of the chair and rubbed at his forehead.

His shift had ended an hour ago. He didn't know why he was still here. He was grateful, however, that no one had come looking for him. The pain of losing a favored patient, on top of everything that had happened and was happening with Dr. Cox, he just didn't think he could stand to speak.

JD got up from the chair, back stiff from sitting still for so long, and went to the bed. He let his hand rest on the side guard, fingers clenching and unclenching against it.

"_You look like hell. And I was just telling my younger daughter about what a cute doctor I had." Mrs. Benson said smiling, her voice croaking and hoarse from the tumor in her throat. She shook her head at him, carefully placing the bookmark in her romance novel. _

"_Funny, I was just telling my friend about the hot patient I had in room 304." He grinned at her. She swatted at him with her hand._

"_I'm much too old for you, I'd break you." She told him seriously. He laughed loud at that._

"_You probably would." He responded. He reached over the check her IV's. Then he went around the bed, looking at her stats and her vitals. He double checked the charts in his hands._

"_It's not looking so good, is it?" This time when she spoke, there was none of her good humor. _

"_It's not going as well as I'd like, but that's no reason not to think it'll get better in another day or two." _

_She shrugged. _

"_Such an optimist." She said it so matter of factly. He stared at her. "Did you think I didn't know?" She smiled sickly at him._

"_There's no reason to think the infection can't be cleared up, Mrs. Benson." She reached out a put a hand over his._

"_There's every reason to think that even if it does I'll still die. We both know all those tumors are a bad thing." She patted his hand and reached over to grab the romance novel, but he could see the amount of energy it cost her. He took it from her hands._

"_I'll read to you." He told her. She nodded sleepily._

_For a while he read, he thought she had fallen asleep, but when he bookmarked the page and put it down he caught her looking at him. _

"_Love's a funny thing." She said, closing her eyes again. "It never works out like the books. It's more like a smack to the head with a two by four than a glowing feeling in your stomach." She laughed softly. "You shouldn't resent it though. It does its best."_

_She fell asleep then. And he sat by her bed in silence for a few moments. Thinking of the woman, and thinking of Perry, and thinking of what he would tell her daughters when he finally lost her._

He let his hand fall from the guard and ran it through his hair.

It wasn't just Mrs. Benson, it was everything. It had been along time since he'd felt this lost.

With a heavy sigh he turned and left the room, knowing he would have to face other patients, other doctor's, everything, sometime soon anyway.

"It does its best." He whispered, then snorted in disgust.

If he was lucky he could get out of the hospital without anyone seeing him.

………….

"Eat Bambi." Carla said sternly, watching as JD pushed his lunch around on his tray. JD looked up at her, as if he'd forgotten she was there. She frowned at him and he stuffed several fries into his mouth, smiling around the food. She tried not to roll her eyes at how disgusting it was because she was just happy he was eating. Just when she had gotten him back to it without her urging, that patient had died and he'd started avoiding meals again.

"Baby, you can't make him eat." Turk defended his friend.

Carla stared at him. When he puffed his chest like some sort of bird, she knew he was feeling brave.

"I mean it. If he's not hungry, he's not hungry. You've been pushing food down him for over a week. It's not like he's going to starve." He raised his brows and gave her a significant glare. She glared back.

"Turk. Mind your business."

"My business? This is my V-bear we're talking about here, woman. He is my business." He threw an arm around JD, which made Carla roll her eyes.

Honestly, two adult men should not be so attached to one another.

JD took another frantic bite of his burger, stuffing fries into his mouth as soon as he could. He looked back and forth between Carla and Turk, trying to get them to see he was eating. Carla sighed. At least he _was _eating.

She couldn't help worrying over him. To have lost his patient on top of all the crap going on with Dr. Cox was just ridiculous. And when he'd told her about Dr. Cox going up to the roof after him it was all she could do to keep from going down and giving the older doctor a lecture about mixed signals and indecisive behavior. And for the last three days JD had been downright despondent, again, the way he had been when Dr. Cox had broken it off with him in the first place. She was going to pull her hair out if one of them didn't come to their senses soon.

JD coughed several times, catching her attention, his face turning a sharp shade of red. He opened his mouth, making a desperate gasp for breath. Turk moved first, pounding lightly on his back and handing JD his water. He took the glass, his hand unsteady, and managed one shaky breath before swallowing hard, pounding lightly on his chest.

"Bambi!" She cried. He shook his head and held out a hand to ward her off.

"I'm fine." He croaked out, before gulping his water.

"I said eat, not choke!" She said, handing him a napkin to wipe away the water that had dribbled down his chin. He took it and dabbed at his face, the color fading as he took deep breaths. She shook her head.

"You okay, man?" Turk asked. JD nodded, still taking deep, gulping breaths.

"I'm not that hungry right now." He pushed the food away, barely a quarter of it eaten, and stood to leave. He coughed several times again. Carla started to protest, but Turk gave her a glare that said she should drop it. She sighed, but let it go.

JD turned, then seemed to freeze, his body going still and tense in a way that it rarely did because even when nervous or unhappy some part of JD was always _going_. Carla looked passed him and saw what had stopped him.

"Oh JD." She said softly.

But he was gone, moving swiftly out of the cafeteria. Carla looked around at the people watching him go and wondered how many had seen what had upset him in the first place.

…………….

Jordan agreed to meet him for lunch. Perry had planned on going out, getting away from the hospital to talk to her, but he'd run into an emergency and so they had to settle for the cafeteria. Jordan didn't seem to mind much, in fact, she was being oddly agreeable. It made him nervous.

Since the other night on the rooftop he'd avoided JD. That night had forced him to admit more than he was ready to, and he refused to encourage it in any way. He'd been trying to get Jordan to come talk to him, desperate now in a way he couldn't understand to get her back into the apartment, to get his life back to what it had been. It had been messy, but it had made sense, and no one had questioned it.

He hadn't been nearly as relieved as he thought he should be when she called to say she'd meet him. But he had agreed, and tried to sound like something other than disappointed.

Which led to them sitting in the far corner of the cafeteria, where talking would be possible.

"How's it going with the devil?" He asked, and then regretted it when Jordan scowled at him.

"It's like being sixteen again. Only having been knocked up and left by my boyfriend at sixteen." She scoffed. He took some small comfort to know that the scowl was more for her mother than for him. "She wants to know what you did." She said flatly, looking at him.

"You mean, you haven't told her?" He asked. He was incredulous. He'd been certain that she would tell as many people as possible. He had been surprised when the information seemed to stop at Carla and Gandhi.

"What am I supposed to tell her Perry? Yeah, the father of my baby turned out to be in love with his little mini-me." She rolled her eyes and looked away from him.

"Jordan I told you-." He began, but she put her hand up in his face to stop him.

"Yeah, yeah. You aren't in love him." She said tiredly. He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face.

"Jordan. Why did you bother to come if you were only going to spout nonsense about me being in love with Lucy?" He asked, shaking his head in annoyance.

"You're the one who's been calling me, Per. I just thought it couldn't hurt to have lunch. I know you said you haven't been… whatever… with the kid. I guess I just wanted to see for myself how serious you were about wanting Jack and I to come home."

Disbelief, relief, and some other emotion he was intent on ignoring coursed through him. If Jordan and Jack moved back in, he'd have his son back. And the other stuff, he'd be able to leave that if he could have his son and his life back.

"Do you mean that?" He asked. She rolled her eyes again.

"I didn't say I would come home. I'm just giving you a chance to prove you're telling me the truth, but you have to realize that I don't believe it, right? I don't even think you believe it." She had her head in her hands.

"Jordan. You do remember me taking you in even before I knew Jack was mine, yes? And there was that whole forgiving you once I found out that he was. You and I, make a messed up sort of sense and-." He stopped mid-sentence and ran a frustrated hand though his curls, ducking his head low because JD had just walked in.

Jordan turned to look before he could stop her. She stared for a while. He wished she wouldn't. Perry didn't like the look in her eyes when she turned to look back at him.

"You were saying?" She said. He was wary, and his stomach rolled.

He tried to keep his eyes off of JD. It wasn't like he really cared, after all, and why should it matter if JD saw him talking with the mother of his child. But his lips remembered the feel of JD's pressed against his just a day ago, and his hands clenched on the table top at the memory of wanting to grab the kid and hold him against him.

"I was saying that you and I make sense. If you had let me explain in the first place you wouldn't have had to move out and turn this into something bigger than it was." He snarled. He shouldn't be letting his temper go, he knew. But he was on edge suddenly and he didn't like it.

She stared at him for a moment, one eyebrow raised in a look that told him flatly that she was unimpressed with his temper.

"You cheated." She said.

"You always cheat!" He snapped back, careful to not let his voice rise. His eyes darted to the other end of the cafeteria, then back to Jordan. Jordan snorted and he wasn't sure if it was because she didn't believe him or if it was because she had caught his glance.

"Yeah but I don't love them." She responded. He felt his face heat up. He clenched his fists. "Oh I know, I'm not supposed to talk anymore about how you love him. But see, I came here to give you this chance, knowing full well it would end up being a waste of my time and my patience, and all you can really do is try to make yourself as small as possible so that the boy you were sleeping with won't see you over here with me."

"Jordan-." She stood and grabbed up her purse.

"Look, I already told you I wouldn't keep Jack from you. So why are you pushing this? Is it the gay thing? Can you really not handle the idea that people would think that?" She shook her head, her face scrunched up in disbelief. Perry glanced nervously around them, but the tables near them were empty and she wasn't being all that loud.

"Jordan." He said again, warningly, feeling the throbbing of the vein in his temple. She put a hand on her hip and looked down at him.

"Oh what? I know you don't like hearing the truth, or facing life directly, but really. This is ridiculous. You're talking to me about how I should move back in with Jack. But the only person you really want back is Jack. The 'me' part, that's just about keeping up the pretty pretense that you're the kind of man's man you always wanted to be."

He stood, nearly knocking over the chair, painfully aware even in spite of the rage boiling in his blood, of the people around him watching them. His eyes darted to the table that JD and his friends' occupied, but none of them were looking.

The vein in his neck throbbed and he crossed his arms over his chest. Jordan was staring at him, waiting for him to say something, to admit something. How the hell was he supposed to admit to someone else something that he couldn't admit to himself? Anger, frustration, and that horrific mix of emotions that he never wanted to untangle, that had been torturing him since the day he'd ended it with JD, all boiled up and over.

"You know something, Jorderoo, you're right. All I really want is my _son_. You see, I'm slightly concerned about him being raised by a crazy woman whose mother is pure evil." He spat out. Regret, oh deep regret, rising as soon as it was out of his mouth. But Jordan was unfazed.

"Good, good, Perry. Channel all that repressed need and want into your anger. Get defensive. That's new. You haven't tried that before." She said, sarcasm dripping from every word. And all he really wanted to do was grab her and shake her, make her stop speaking because it seemed that every word she spoke was a chip in his armor.

She shouldn't be understanding. She shouldn't know, and know so deeply that she actually encouraged it. This was Jordan, who was almost as self obsessed as he was. She wasn't supposed to know him this well.

He was shaking with anger, he could feel it. Hands clenched tightly on his upper arms, so tight he was sure he was bruising himself. His teeth ground against one another. He opened his mouth to say something when the sound of choking came from the other end of the cafeteria.

He looked up, eyes wide, to see JD's face turning red. Carla looked panicked, but Gandhi stood and patted his back, handing him his drink. Perry had taken five steps towards them when JD seemed to finally take a deep breath on his own. He stopped moving, freezing where he was. Carla was fussing over JD and JD seemed more embarrassed than injured, so he turned back to Jordan, who was walking away.

"Hey!" He said, moving quickly to grab her elbow. She turned to face him, hair whipping back from her face.

"You are so _annoying_." She said, her hands thrown into the air as if to show her annoyance. "My god, Perry, you would make it so much easier on all of us if you would just get over whatever issues are holding you back. I mean, being this caught up on him is pathetic, but not as pathetic as watching you try to pretend it's not _right there_!" She cried.

"I want you and Jack to come home." He said, desperation, something he was becoming so alarmingly familiar with, coloring his tone.

She kissed him then, her hand bunching tightly in his scrubs to pull him towards her. It surprised him and his only reaction was to let out a muffled 'hmph'. He was aware, despite the movement of her lips, which were still soft even with all the botox, of the kind of prickling on the back of his neck that meant one thing; JD was watching. It was something he'd never looked too far into, the ability to know when JD was watching him. 

He reacted before thinking, his hands closing on Jordan's and pushing her away in a panic. He managed to not spin around and look in the kid's direction, but he couldn't quite stop his eyes from looking away. Jordan snorted. He stared at her, wide eyed and knowing, because he couldn't deny this.

There had been moments, while he was with JD, when he'd wondered who it was he was being unfaithful to. He'd always assumed it was Jordan, his ex-wife, the mother of his son. But that kiss had proved something different, something he could not ignore. Oh but oh he wanted to still be able to ignore it.

"I told you." She said, then she was leaving. Again. He lost count of how many times he'd watched her walk away. But the anger that was usually there was gone now, there was something knowing in the look she gave him as she left the cafeteria. It was more unsettling than anything else she could have done.

He turned slowly, to look back at where JD had been. Carla was staring at him, no, glaring. Her lips were pursed in a way that told him he was in for it.

For once he didn't care. What he wanted was a scotch and the quiet darkness of his apartment, because his whole world was twisted and upside down.

And it was all because he was in love with his protégé.

For fuck's sake.

……………..

It hurt. She couldn't say it didn't, because it did. She would never admit it to anyone. She might have admitted to Ben, once. But she would never say anything about it to Danni, or to her mother, and least of all to Perry although he might have known.

Despite the hurt, there was some intense gratification. It wasn't often that one actually forced Perry Cox to face himself in the naked daylight. And the look on his face had been priceless. It made her ache, just for a moment, for Ben and his ever present camera. What a picture it would have made.

Jordan didn't know what had made her agree to meet Perry for lunch. Except that she was sick of his phone calls. She'd never been one to linger over a wound or a hurt. If something was done, it was done. She moved on. So this limbo she had been in, that Perry had dragged her into, was annoying at best and detestable at worst.

She hadn't had a game plan, per se, but it seemed to be an advantage when an emergency had made them change their lunch plans to the cafeteria in the hospital. The rest of what had happened she couldn't have planned better if she'd tried, right down to the idiot almost choking himself. She shook her head, turning the key in the lock of the car.

The day was bright; it would be a good day to take Jack to the park. Maybe she'd see if Perry wanted to take him tomorrow if the weather held.

She sat in the car; hand on the key in the ignition, but not turning it just yet. She let her head fall back on the head rest and sighed deeply.

When Perry had taken her in, even when though he thought Jack was someone else's, she'd had the kind of hope she hadn't really had since they were first married. She wouldn't admit that to anyone else, but she could be honest enough with herself. She should have known, though, that too much time had passed. But it had seemed good for a while.

Even so, after weeks of contemplating it, over-thinking it, it seemed like it was best to just let it go. Oh, she would hang it over Perry's head for a while, because she deserved at least that much.

She wondered, only briefly because she was trying hard not to picture it, how long it would take one or the other to gather the balls to do something. With Perry, it was quite possible that it would never happen.

She turned the key, starting the car. The radio was loud and startled her. She shook her head and put the car in reverse. She'd have to go back to her mother's eventually. She'd call her real estate agent on the way. The sooner she was out of her mother's house the better.

It was sad, she thought, that the only truly dependable man in her life still needed a diaper change and a bib.

Oh well, she'd get over it. Jordan Sullivan was nothing if not capable of making it on her own.

…………….

Elliot found him on the roof, sitting on the edge, legs dangling over the side. A dangerous way to sit for someone who was nearly as clumsy as she was. His hair, which he'd really been letting go lately, was blowing into his face, and making it impossible for her to see his expression.

But she knew that shoulder slump, and the way his hands lay motionless on the concrete. Stillness in JD was only ever inspired by the kind of sadness in him that always surprised her. He didn't seem like the type to feel so deeply, not on the surface.

Elliot had no idea what was going on with him. She was pretty sure Carla and Turk knew, because Carla had been mothering him and Turk had been defending him, all more than usual. She hadn't pushed it because honestly, she'd been too busy with her own issues. But she had been there when his patient had died, and she knew that he was still feeling it, even days later.

So she walked up to him, and set what she was carrying on the ledge next to him. He looked down at it and smiled. She hopped up onto the ledge, leaving her legs to dangle on the inside. JD might be confident enough to let his swing over the edge, but she wasn't taking chances.

"So talk to me. I know I haven't really been around, but I am now." She said softly blowing her hair out of her eyes. He looked at her for a moment with a wondering expression and then looked away.

"There's too much to say, Elliot. And I just- I can't." He shook his head lightly.

"JD, you know you can talk to me. Is it a girl?" She asked and was surprised both by the volume of his laughter and the bitterness in it.

His shoulders seemed to slump even further and his head hung down. She put a hand on his shoulder to steady him because it had seemed for a moment like he was going to slide right off the roof. JD looked at her. There was something so heart broken in his expression that she felt tears spring up in her own eyes.

"JD, what _is_ it?" She asked, her voice getting shrill.

"Do you think it matters who you love?" He asked suddenly, voice soft and barely a whisper. He was scaring her, but he didn't seem to realize it.

"What do you mean?" She asked, thoroughly confused.

"Does it matter, do you think, if a man falls in love with a man, or if a woman falls in love with a woman. Does it change who the person is?" He explained, eyes staring out over the parking lot again.

"You mean does it matter if you're gay?" Something clicked and she sat up straighter. "Oh my god JD, are you gay?" She squealed.

He pulled away from her and was over the edge standing before she could even blink. He stared at her, wild eyed. She put a hand out to stop him when it looked like he would bolt. She took a deep breath and tried to calm the whirling in her mind.

"JD, no. I don't mean it like that. I just mean, are you? It's fine if you are." He still looked like he might run. "It doesn't change who you are JD. It's just-."

"Do you still love your brother?" He interrupted her. And ditzy as she could be she wasn't stupid. She heard the real question. _Would you still love me?_

"Of course I do." She whispered. He nodded, and then he was leaving.

She stared after him for a while.

"Oh my god." She said to herself, then hopped from the ledge to go try to find Carla, or Turk. One of them should know what the hell was going on.

……………..

He wanted to sleep. He desperately wanted to sleep.

The problem was that every time he closed his eyes he saw Jordan kissing Perry and his whole world shifted.

It shouldn't matter. He'd seen them kiss a thousand times before. Maybe it was just because he felt so confused. He wished Mrs. Benson hadn't died. It had just made this whole mess worse.

He wished he wasn't in love with Perry Cox, because there had to be a quicker, less painful way to kill himself than continually battering his head against _that_ wall.

He put a pillow over his face. The cool sheet felt good against his flushed skin. He felt scalding tears free themselves from beneath his lashes and dampen the pillow.

Why, why did it have to hurt so badly? He didn't want to feel it anymore. He hated Dr. Cox. And he hated being a doctor and watching people die. And he hated Turk and Carla for avoiding all wedding talk while he was around them just so they wouldn't hurt his feelings, and he hated Elliot for not even noticing how bad he felt until today.

Life shouldn't hurt so much. And he didn't want to cry.

With a sudden and very overwhelming fury he dashed the pillow across the room, listening as it fell with an unsatisfying thud against the door. He stood from the bed and snatched it up, digging his fingers into it until he heard a small rip.

With an involuntary scream of frustration he pulled, the fabric parting under his fingers, stuffing falling onto the floor. He readjusted his hold, dug his fingers in and pulled again. Fury, helplessness, sorrow; it all bubbled up in his chest, up his throat, past his lips. The sound of tearing fabric filled the room, but was overpowered by the raw sobbing and occasional scream that made its way passed bared teeth. His fingers began to hurt; the fabric was hard to tear through. He didn't care.

He understood suddenly, with the clarity that only pure fury and helplessness could allow, why Perry destroyed Franklin's lab. The sound of glass breaking must be much more satisfying.

He was on his second pillow; his voice was hoarse from both sobbing and screaming, when the light came on. He didn't stop. He wasn't sure he could, his fingers found purchase on another part of the pillow and pulled hard.

He didn't know who had come in, or what they were saying, though he could hear a voice speaking to him.

He didn't care because everything hurt so much and it just _shouldn't_. And his whole body was shaking and he felt like he was burning. Maybe this was how people spontaneously combusted.

A large hand grabbed his shoulder hard and pulled him to his feet. His head spun, his stomach rolled. There were faint spots of black in his vision that made it hard to see who was shaking him.

"Stop-stop!" He cried out. It hurt his head.

"Back off, jumpsuit." He heard a familiar voice snarl. The hand on his shoulder patted him lightly and then lifted.

"-must be sick or something."

"Shaking him like a rat terrier isn't going to help." Dr. Cox snarled. Janitor shrugged and shoved his hands in his pocket.

"Ah, go mop a floor somewhere. Go." Dr. Cox stepped around the Janitor and started pushing JD back towards the bed.

"Fine but if I go, someone else can clean this mess up." Janitor said. Dr. Cox grunted and kept pushing.

JD tried to fight him, but he felt weak suddenly and sick. His hand grasped and Perry's on his shoulder, but couldn't find the strength to push it off. He heard the door close as the Janitor left and felt relief flood through him. He didn't want the Janitor to see him like this. He felt the bed hit the back of his knees and he sat back onto it. He closed his eyes, letting his head lower.

He startled when he felt Perry's warm hands on his knees.

"JD?" JD shook his head, feeling tears burning his eyes again, and added to the pain that pounded through his skull he was in an agony he didn't want anyone to see.

"Leave me alone." He whispered. He felt Perry's hands tighten on him.

"Sorry, Newbie, not happening. You're burning up and your hands are shaking. How long have you been sick?" There was genuine concern in his voice, something that didn't happen often. JD wondered just how bad he looked.

He shook his head, his throat felt tight and hot. He didn't want to talk. Why couldn't Carla have found him?

"C'mon, kid, talk to me. Open your eyes JD."

His breath stopped. Oh it hurt. _Open your eyes, JD_. The first time they'd been together it had hurt and JD had squeezed his eyes closed against the pain, waiting for it to pass. Perry's breath had been sweet and warm against his lips and he had whispered into a kiss those words. _Open your eyes JD. _It had made everything better. He'd opened his eyes to see Perry looking at him, something soft and indefinable in his clear blue eyes, and it hadn't hurt so much.

He opened his eyes to see Perry staring at him. And that look, oh that look. He closed his eyes again. He couldn't take seeing that look on the face of man who didn't want him. He shouldn't be _looking_ at him like that.

"It hurts." He said. And then the pain in his head got worse and he stopped thinking or feeling entirely.

…………….

"He passed out." Perry explained, setting JD down in the hospital bed. "He's running a high grade fever, and he was shaking when I found him."

"Found him where?" Carla asked, putting her hand to JD's forehead.

"On-call room. He tore the place up." Perry watched Carla as she tucked JD into the bed.

"He's been saying that he felt like he was fighting something. But I assumed it was just his depression- did you saying tearing the place up?" She stopped fussing with JD and looked at Perry. Perry shrugged.

"Nancy threw a prom queen level hissy fit. He ripped up a couple pillows, pulled the sheets off. He was screaming so loud you could hear him through the damned door. Janitor got there first. By the time I got in he was shaking and feverish and talking nonsense." He stopped.

_It hurts._

Perry knew he hadn't been talking about his illness. There had been something in his face. It made Perry's chest tighten. He looked back to JD's drawn face.

"Oh Bambi." Carla sighed. "This is all your fault you know!" She snapped at Perry. Perry scowled.

"How is Ginger getting herself sick my fault?" He demanded, crossing his arms over his chest. Ignoring the voice in his head that said it _was_ his fault. This whole mess; his life and JD's and Jordan's, and oh god Jack's, was all his fault.

"Why were you kissing Jordan right in front of him?" She hissed, stalking around the side of the bed to push him. He stared down at her. For a moment he wondered at just how fierce such a small woman could be. Then she shoved him again and he growled.

"She was leaving." He said. Carla looked unimpressed. "For good. And she was making a point. Now leave it. Newbie should have known he was getting sick and he should have taken care of himself."

"You're a jerk." She told him succinctly. "I'm going to go get him an IV, he's dehydrated." She stormed off, clearly fed up with Perry.

Perry watched her go. When she was out of sight he approached the bed. He looked down at JD. His hair was a wild mess, and falling over his forehead. He reached out and pushed it back off his forehead. It was soft, softer than he remembered.

"Drama queen." He muttered, but let his fingers stay tangled in the soft mass of dark hair.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

**Author's Note:** So sorry for the wait! I am getting ready to move back to NY in two months, so things have been so insane! Hopefully the next chapter won't take so long!

**Megs626:** Aahh thank you for the great compliments. I've said it a million times; I worry so much about keeping them IC, because I hate OOC fanfiction. Sorry it took so long to update! Eeek!

**Mcmuffins**: Thanks for the review. I always try to keep alight amount of humor, because Scrubs is what it is after all!

**Doctor Caduceus**: Aww! Thank you so much! That was the funniest review I think I've ever gotten! And a huge compliment. Really, thank you, thank you, thank you!

**SequiturBlue:** Well I hope I can keep you interested despite the slash! Thanks for reading! And thank you so much for such great compliments!

**BlackFox:** Thank you! I'm trying to keep a nice even pace on this one. It's nice to know I'm accomplishing it. Don't want to drown people in angst. But JD is so ripe for emotionally abusing!

**(Thank you to everyone who I didn't get to respond to, but who reviewed! I love your reviews! They are like milk and cookies to my soul! Thank you! Hope you like this chapter!)**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: So very not mine. So sad. I cry.

Author's Note: Again, a long time between chapters. Sorry. Hope you guys like this one!

……………………………………………………………………………………………

He'd been sleeping fitfully ever since he had passed out in the on-call room. Sometimes he twisted and turned, wrapping the blankets around his body until he began to mumble and mutter about things capturing him and holding him down. Other times he would curl into a ball on his side, silent and shaking.

Perry sat in the chair next to the bed, pulling the blankets over JD's shoulders and unwrapping them when he got caught in them. He was dozing off in his chair when JD's murmuring woke him.

He sat up and looked over at the younger man, still asleep but muttering and turning in his sleep. Perry stood and went over to the bed, placing his hand on JD's forehead. JD murmured something Perry didn't quite catch and immediately quieted. His hand came up to brush against Perry's hand, then fell back to his side. His fever had broken, sweat beaded on his forehead. Perry looked back down at his hands. Some of the fingers were bandaged where they had been rubbed raw from JD's fit. It only emphasized just how small and feminine the hands were in the first place.

Perry's eyes moved from the injured fingers to JD's face, which was all angles and sharp lines in the half shadow of the dimly lit room. He couldn't seem to shake the image of the kid on the floor of the on-call room, hands red and raw from ripping the harsh fabric of hospital pillows and blankets, face pale and sweat covered, light eyes blood shot and tear filled. It wasn't like JD to completely lose it like that. And that, more than JD passing out or lying in the hospital bed, was what really scared Perry.

He was a doctor, he'd known the minute he'd seen how pale JD was, how hot his skin felt, that the kid was just sick. It happened. Everyone knew doctors where notorious for not going to doctor's themselves. Not enough rest or drink, and suddenly a simple cold or flu was something big enough to knock them on their ass.

But something about JD looking that distraught made his stomach roll a little. He didn't want to be the cause of that. What he would have liked was to be able to call him a girl and walk away. But that wasn't possible anymore, and he couldn't keep denying that.

Perry sighed and couldn't help the fingers that carded through JD's soft hair. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the kid actually do his hair.

No, he thought, that wasn't entirely true. Because he could remember every detail about that last night with JD, and he could remember him answering the door shirtless with his hair spiked up in all directions. But that day seemed like years ago.

Jordan had given her permission, in her own way, and JD had all but told him he was waiting for him to make a move. The only thing left really, was himself.

That was a big enough hurdle. Perry had worked hard, his entire life really, once he'd gotten out of his childhood home, to create the person he was. He took no one's shit, he accepted no excuses for anything less than the absolute best from anyone he worked with or associated with. Perry Cox was the best damned doctor in this place. He was terrifying, intimidating, and not to be fucked with. And that was how he wanted it to be.

Except that his father had been terrifying and intimidating, and not to be fucked with. And that hadn't seemed to make him happy. It fact, it seemed to have made him a heartless bastard whose answer to any problem was to beat the first person he came within reach of. Perry stopped the thought there. That wasn't a place he went to, not willingly.

He looked down at where his fingers still trailed over JD's cheek. He brought them away as if burned and ran his hand over his face.

He sat back down in the chair, pulling his hands through his hair and letting his head hang down.

He'd worked so hard. To get where he was, to have the respect and the fear of the people he worked with and for. Perry couldn't give that up, not for JD, not for anyone. And being with JD, it would make people assume things about him that weren't true. He'd lose patients.

He looked back up

He stood suddenly and left the room, not looking back at the sleeping man in the bed and forgetting his worn, hoodie sweatshirt on the chair by the bed.

It was all too much, and he needed a drink.

…………….

JD woke feeling groggy. His bed didn't seem nearly as comfortable as it usually did. He opened his eyes and was shocked to look around at a hospital room. He started to sit up, but was hit by a wave of fatigue. He lay back against the pillow.

It took him a moment to remember what had happened. When he did he brought his hands to his face and groaned. How big of a girl could he be? Practically fainting in Dr. Cox's arms. He groaned. He lifted his hands from his face and looked at them curiously, because they felt odd on his face. He stared at the bandages, three on the fingers of his right hand, and two on his left. He let his head fall back on the pillow and closed his eyes.

He was such an idiot. Why couldn't he have waited till he got home to have a nervous breakdown?

He opened his eyes and looked around the room again, his eyes stopping, breath stopping hard in his chest, as he noticed the dark brown hoodie on the chair next to his bed. He remembered that sweatshirt. It was Perry's. He'd worn it that last night. He wondered if that meant that Perry had stayed with him.

JD turned his head to look out the window. It was light outside, early morning light that was grey and nearly oppressive. It looked like the day would be cloudy. He wondered if it would rain. He stared at the IV still connected to his hand and frowned. He should be pushing the call button so he could find out when he could get up. He felt fine, groggy and tired, but fine.

He turned his head to look back at the sweatshirt on the chair. It probably smelled like Perry. He wished he knew if Perry had stayed with him, but if he had, he would still be there wouldn't he? So he must have just dropped JD in the room and left, forgetting his hoodie in the first place. JD stared at the sweatshirt still, eyes tearing up, though he didn't notice.

This was stupid. It was beyond stupid. He wasn't some teenager, he shouldn't want to snatch up the sweatshirt and cuddle it. But he found himself sitting up in the bed and reaching a hand out for it anyway. He caught the sleeve with his bandaged fingers and snatched it, pulling it onto the bed with him. He brought it to his face, taking a deep breath. It did smell like Perry, a scent JD knew intimately yet couldn't describe other than to say it smelled like home and safety. Which was corny, he knew, but he couldn't help it. He rolled over onto his side, careful of the IV tube. The sweatshirt he put under his head, burying his face in it and closing his eyes. It couldn't hurt to cuddle with it for just a little while. It wasn't like Dr. Cox wore the thing often; most people wouldn't even know it was his.

It didn't take long for him to fall back asleep. And for the first time in three weeks, it was a restful and quiet sleep.

……………….

It was like that, curled up with the dark brown sweatshirt under his head, hands clutching at the worn fabric, that Carla found him a few hours later.

She walked in quietly, not wanting to wake him if he was sleeping, which it turned out, he was. She moved over to him and pressed a hand to his forehead. It was cool and dry, a vast improvement from the night before. He muttered sleepily and she pulled her hand away. It was too late though; he rolled over, looking up at her with sleepy eyes.

"Hey." He croaked out, his voice dry. She reached over to the bedside table and poured him a glass of water. She handed it to him as he sat up, one hand still clutching the sweatshirt. She looked at him sadly, knowing full well who it belonged to and why he was curled up with it. He caught her look and seemed to realize what he was holding. He dropped it to the bed and took a large drink of water.

"How are you feeling, Bambi?" She asked, moving to his arm to remove the IV. He watched her do it. When she was done, she put a bandage over where it had been.

"I feel better. Anything serious?" He asked.

She took the seat next to the bed and put her feet up next to his leg. She nudged him lightly and he smiled, letting his head fall back on the pillows. She thought he looked better for having had a night of sleep. It was almost a relief to know that he actually had been sick with something, although she was still convinced it was brought on by all the stress of Dr. Cox and losing Mrs. Benson.

"Serious enough for you to be in a hospital bed right now." She scolded him. He pouted at her. "But you're fine. You were just exhausted and sick. You should have known better than to keep working through it." She wanted to say something about the breakdown he'd had in the on-call room, but she wanted to wait. He looked upset enough at the idea of being sick and in the hospital bed.

"Can I go home now?" He asked. She nodded.

"Kelso says you can have the next two days off to get yourself back together. He didn't like it, but Ted told him about how many lawsuits you could cause if you were forced to work when you were this exhausted and he agreed." She thought he would laugh, but he didn't. He just nodded his head, his hand moving to grab at the brown fabric of the sweatshirt beside him. She didn't think he even realized he was doing it.

"I'm still tired." Was as he said, and his eyes drifted towards the window. They sat in silence for several minutes, and outside the light grey clouds opened and rain began to fall. It looked cold. It made her shiver. She put her arms around herself.

"Want to talk about what happened in the on-call room?" She asked finally. He looked at her, white and washed out looking, except for the flush that rose in his cheeks. He looked down, hands twisting in the sweatshirt.

"I think it was just too much. I needed to vent." He explained. She gave him a look and he shrugged.

"You know Dr. Cox was the one who found you." She said. He winced and nodded. "He seemed pretty shook up by it." JD looked at her, eyes wary, before they cut back to the sweatshirt.

And finally she let loose the tidbit she'd been holding back, debating if she would even tell him. But she knew Dr. Cox better than anyone else in this hospital except Jordan, and in some ways, JD. So she decided she would just say it and let the chips fall. There was only so much stupidity she could tolerate and both JD and Dr. Cox were about at their limit.

"He stayed most of the night with you, you know." She said softly. JD looked at her then, eyes wide. To his credit he managed to control his face, always too open and easy to read, and shrugged with obviously feigned indifference. When he said nothing more she stood easily from the chair and stood next to him.

"I worked over night so I could switch shifts today and have off. I'll drive you home." She told him. He looked grateful. She decided she wouldn't tell him about the conversation she'd had with Elliot, or how Elliot had managed to get Carla to admit that it was Dr. Cox that JD was mooning over.

She sighed and pushed his hair off his forehead. He smiled up at her, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

…………………

Perry had two days of peace while JD was out sick.

The exception to that being Barbie's random freak out on the first day which made him think that either Carla or Gandhi had gotten sick of keeping the secret. It wasn't very like Barbie to take a stand, but she'd stood in front of him, breath heaving, her hair hanging in her eyes so that she had to keep trying to blow it out of her face. She'd sputtered something about 'sensies' which made no damned sense to him and she'd squeaked out something that had sounded disturbingly like 'you don't deserve him'. Then she'd stomped off, which would have been made more effective if she hadn't run into Nervous Guy and tripped, sending them both to the floor. He'd walked away after that and the first time he managed to cross paths with Carla she'd turned and hurried in to the other direction.

The second day was much better. Barbie seemed to have decided that she would just ignore him, which for the moment was perfect for him. Carla was back to her disapproving glares and the occasional attempt at having deep conversation.

At least he could just be a doctor. No need to be wary of JD randomly walking into a room, no temptation to drag the kid into the on-call room whenever he ran into him. And he could forget about Jordan and how smug she was being. It was easier, and better, he tried to convince himself, when JD had nothing to do with his life.

The easier part wasn't hard to convince himself of. It was the better part he was struggling with.

He sighed and pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. The break room was empty, for which he was grateful, so he'd turned to lights down. The day outside, like the two days before it, was wet and bleak. Autumn was fading into winter, and this far north it brought cold rain, and grey skies.

He thought of his worn, brown hoodie, and it made him think of JD who he knew had taken it.

"You know, sitting here in the dark after your shift isn't going to fix anything." Carla's voice came from the doorway. He didn't turn to look at her; it would only encourage her to continue.

"JD's feeling better." She said. "Well, he's not sick anymore at least." She came around the side of the couch and sat down beside him. Perry looked over at her, then back to the wall ahead of them. "So why don't you talk to me?" She asked.

He snorted, but he could feel her staring at him.

"Why would I?" He asked.

"Because with Ben gone I'm the only one you would talk to." She said bluntly. It made him look at her again.

She was still as beautiful as ever, and that part of him that had cared for her for so long was still there. It would have been better, he thought, if he had just continued wanting her. Easier, by far, to pine away for someone he wanted but couldn't have, then to want someone he could but shouldn't have.

He had stared for too long, she was giving him an odd look. He looked away again.

"What do you want from me?" He snapped. "You want me to cry on your shoulder about how I'm _so_ in love with this really cute guy but I just _can't_ find to courage to ask him to prom, and I'm so _scared_ I won't have a date. And how can I go if I don't have a _dat_e, I'd just _die _of embarrassment." He scoffed. "Not a chance in hell." He crossed his arms over his chest.

Carla shifted on the couch so that she was sitting facing him. She was glaring. Perry met it, unfazed, hiding behind familiar anger and sarcasm.

"Stop being an ass." She told him. "You realize that despite your best efforts to keep this whole thing a secret people are starting to talk. Between that scene with Jordan in the cafeteria, followed by JD's well timed on-call room break down, and all this brooding you're doing while he's off, it's not really hard for the gossips in this place to find a story."

He gave her a look that said she really shouldn't be talking about gossips, since she was one of the worst, but she ignored it.

"Talk to me." She demanded. "Why do you have to make this so hard all the time? You think you have some sort of image to live up to with me? Please." She crossed her arms and watched him. "Look, I know it must be hard, accepting that you care about another man when you've worked your whole life at being a very certain kind of person, but come _on_. It can't be all that bad."

He stayed silent; it was too near the truth for him to speak. He watched her out of the corner of his eyes.

"If it's hurting both of you, then why keep doing this?" She asked. He opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off. "Don't try to tell me you aren't sad. I know you." She said. And she was right. He was going to deny it. "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, or that there won't be people who judge you for it. I'm just saying that it might be worth it."

She was silent then, and he was grateful for it. She was obviously waiting for him to respond to her, but he found that his mouth was dry and even if he had wanted to say something he didn't think that he could.

"Fine. Be a stubborn ass. I know you're hurting just as much as he is." She stood up and began walking towards the door. She stopped and said in a low voice, "He has your sweatshirt. Just in case you wanted to go pick it up from him." Then she was gone, leaving him alone again in the grey silence.

He stared for another few moments at the wall in front of him, the same debate that he'd been having with himself for days raging in his head.

He shivered and finally made a decision; it was cold and he wanted his favorite sweatshirt.

He stood and left the room.

……………..

JD was sitting in the tub, the water going luke-warm when someone knocked on the door. For the first time all day he wished someone were home to answer the door for him. He sat in the water for a minute, hoping whoever it was would just go away. But the knocking continued.

He sighed and rose from the bathtub, wrapping a fluffy white towel around his waist and trying to ignore the run of water down his back. He brushed his hair off his forehead and made his way to the door. He opened it partially and peered out, and let out a surprised yelp when he saw the angry face of Dr. Cox staring back at him. He was soaked from the rain outside, water dripping down his face.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, without even thinking. Perry's scowl deepened.

"Open up the damned door, Newbie." He snarled. JD stared for a moment, hand tightening on his towel.

"I'm not feeling well." He said, hating the way his voice got smaller. Something in Perry's face softened so slightly it was hard to see it. If JD hadn't known so well how to read the older doctor he might have missed it. It made is heart beat hard in his chest.

"I know." Was all Perry said. They stared at each other for a long moment before JD finally opened the door all the way.

As Perry stepped in JD was painfully aware of being wrapped in just a towel, barely warm water turned cold in the apartment air running down his back and making him shiver. He put his arms around himself and watched as Perry made his way to the couch. The other man reached down and picked up the hoodie that was balled up on the couch. JD winced. Perry's fingers rubbed the soft brown fabric, and then let the sweatshirt fall back to the couch. He ran his free hand through his wet curls before turning to look at JD.

They stared at each other again, in silence, moments passing by.

He had always been, and probably always would be, amazed at how fast the bigger man could move. One second Perry was standing near the couch, and the next he was in front of JD, pushing him against the cold door. He didn't kiss him, but his lips were so close that they shared breath. Perry's body was a warm heat against him, despite the rain that had soaked his clothes. He stared up into his light eyes and tried to read the violent emotion there.

"What are you doing?" He asked, quiet, so quiet, scared of making Perry run away. Scared, even, of making him stay. Just scared.

"I don't know." Perry answered, and JD heard how many different ways he meant that in the tone of his voice.

Then he moved his lips to cover JD's. JD expected fury. It was Perry's usual response to any insecurity, any doubt. He didn't expect the slow brush of hands over his face, brushing his wet hair back. He didn't expect slow kisses, soft kisses. The hands moved to cup his face gently. He shivered; he couldn't help it, like he couldn't help the low whimper that escaped his lips as they opened to the light insistence of Perry's tongue.

Perry deepened the kiss, his hands moving from JD's face to travel down his back, pulling JD hard against him. JD's hands, which had been slack at his sides, moved up to bury in Perry's wet curls. He tugged lightly and felt Perry press him harder into the door.

Perry tore his lips away and JD heard a low keening sound of disappointment leave his throat before he could stop it. Perry's arms tightened around him and he buried his face in JD's neck, kissing lightly at the warm skin there. It sent shivers down JD's spine. It was nothing, however, to the shaking of Perry's body against his. His hands left Perry's hair and he wrapped his arms around the older man's shoulders.

They stood together for a moment, in silence, listening to each other's breathing.

JD had no idea what was going on, what had caused any of this, and part of him wanted to push Perry away and demand answers. But as usual, that part of him was nothing in comparison to the part of him that just wanted to be touched and wanted to be with Perry. But he knew, he knew, that if he just let this happen, whatever it was, that he would regret it.

It took more self control than he thought he had to brace his hands on Perry's shoulders and push him away. Perry scowled in confusion at him, but let himself be pushed away.

"What are you doing?" JD asked, his voice shaky. He tightened the towel around his waist. He was painfully aware of how cold it was in the room now that a warm body was no longer pressed against him.

"I told you, Priscilla, I don't fucking know." Perry snarled. He wasn't looking at JD; he was staring at the wall, at the spot where just a few weeks ago he'd fucked JD for the last time.

There had been entire nights that JD had spent sitting on the floor, leaned up against that wall, remembering. 

"You need to. You need to know. You can't _do_ this to me!" JD cried, his voice getting higher with every word. "You can't play with people like this. You say it's over and that it was only ever about the sex. But then you kiss me in the closet at work and you come after me when my patient dies. And then all the sudden you're making out with Jordan right in front of me. And as if that's not enough now you're _here_? You're soaking wet and you're kissing me. You can't, _you can't_, keep doing this to me!" He wished his hands would stop shaking.

Perry didn't move, he didn't even blink, just stared silently at the place in the wall in front of him. His hands were fisted at his sides, and JD wondered uneasily if he was going to hit him.

"I'm not- damn it- I'm not trying to do anything to you." Perry ground out. "I was trying to protect both of us." He ran a hand over his face and finally, finally, looked over at JD. His eyes were red and bloodshot.

"From _what_?" JD asked, incredulous.

"I know you don't operate completely within reality there, Alice, but even you have to realize the problems that being-." He stopped and seemed to struggle with the words he was looking for. "-with another man- might cause a doctor!" Perry looked away again and JD studied his profile, the throbbing vein in his neck, the hard line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth in irritation.

"I didn't say it was going to be easy. But you didn't have to just walk away and pretend it didn't mean anything." JD said quietly, trying not to let his voice shake, because he was still scared that Perry was going to lose it sometime soon.

"It wasn't supposed to mean anything." Perry answered him, in a voice JD wasn't sure he recognized. It hurt though, to hear those words.

"Then why… why do it? I mean- I wasn't- I didn't push it!" JD defended himself. Because he hadn't, he'd been content to let it all be what it was. To want and never have.

"I have a kid, and an ex-wife, what was I supposed to do?" He demanded.

"Be honest with them! With yourself!" JD snapped back, feeling his temper fraying.

Perry was staring at him again, but looked away when he realized he was caught.

Perry let out a low growl and pushed both of his hands through his still dripping hair. He muttered something that JD didn't quite catch.

"What?" JD asked, anger leaving as quickly as it had come.

"Would you put some clothes on?" Perry growled out, still avoiding looking directly at JD.

JD felt his face flush. Then he thought about how uncomfortable Perry must be, is soaking wet scrubs.

"I have sweats and a shirt that should fit you, if you want to change. If you're staying that long." JD ventured. Perry looked down at himself and frowned.

"Fine." Was all the answer Perry gave. JD sighed and went to get the clothes.

………………..

It was easier to think, being dry and warm. Perry stared around JD's bedroom. He should probably be moving into the living room, but JD was still in the bathroom doing god knew what and Perry didn't quite feel like moving from his spot near the window.

It was pouring outside and he knew it was cold rain. His hands were still shaking. And he had no idea what he was doing here. He should never have come.

He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder. He turned to see JD in a pair of sweats standing behind him, still bare chested. At least he wasn't dripping water anymore, although his hair was still a mess of dark wet locks. He hadn't heard the kid come into the room.

The hand on his shoulder moved up his neck until the fingers twined through his hair. It felt good, the light pull, and the warmth of the hand.

JD's other hand moved lightly across his chest to grasp his other shoulder and pull him around. He let himself be turned, until he was facing JD. He looked down at the younger man, whose eyes were bright even in the dark of the bedroom. The hand on his shoulder joined the other in his hair and pulled through the tangled curls. Perry took a deep breath and was accosted by the coconut smell of JD's bath products. He might have snorted once, and made a comment about JD being a girl. But in the darkness of the room, the silence was meant to be broken only the sound of rain on the window and breath catching in throats. And his breath did catch.

His hands, seeming to move of their own volition, made hesitant contact with the bare skin of JD's hips. JD's eyes closed and a low gasp escaped his now parted lips. His skin was warm and soft, Perry spread his fingers wide to touch as much as he could. JD's breath came just the slightest bit faster.

Perry lowered his head, brought his lips against JD's full ones and breathed deeply of the younger man. They were still, silent, for just a moment. Then JD pulled him closer, kissed Perry hard, tongue tasting and practically devouring him. There was anger in it and command and something hard that he'd never felt from JD before. He growled, low in his throat and dug his fingers into JD's hips, moving the kid backwards until he hit the bed and they both tumbled backwards.

He landed above JD and brought his hands to either side of the younger man's face. JD had gone silent and still again, watching Perry's face carefully. It made Perry wonder what he could read there that no one else could.

"You have to mean it." JD whispered, voice trembling, his whole body trembling. "And don't call me a girl." He said, a bit louder, defensively. Perry snorted.

"I wasn't going to." He said, trying to keep his voice low, soft. He wasn't good at this. He wasn't good at being gentle, or soft, or at making promises. But he did mean it, he had to mean it.

He leaned down and kissed JD again, tasting sugar, always sugar in the other man's mouth, on his lips. JD arched up against him, arms wrapped around his shoulders. One leg tangled around Perry's and pulled Perry's hips back down against him. Perry was already hard, achingly hard, he had been since he'd walked in and seen JD soaking wet, wrapped in nothing but a towel. The contact made him growl and kiss JD harder, pressing him hard into the mattress and growling again when he felt JD grind up against him.

The shirt he had just put on was pushed up and he stopped kissing JD only long enough to help him pull it over his head and throw it somewhere across the room. His hands went to JD's hips, and then down to pull at the pants the kid wore. He wanted, desperately, to feel the other man naked against him. JD's own hands were pushing frantically at the sweats he wore.

In a tangle of hands, and lips still moving together, and legs twisting they got their clothing off and finally lay with no barriers between them.

They looked at each other for a moment.

"I mean it. I'm trying hard to mean it." Perry told him firmly. JD stared at him, eyes glittering and wet with the promise of tears. "Don't cry on me, Carol, you'll ruin the mood." He said, but his hand wiped gently under JD's eye.

He leaned down, trailing kisses across JD's jaw, coming to the sensitive skin just below his ear and sucking gently. JD gasped, his nails dug into Perry's shoulders.

Without moving his mouth from the spot it was on he reached over into the bedside table and opened the drawer. He had to rummage, but he found the lube and a condom. JD giggled quietly beside him and he nipped the flesh he'd been licking in retribution. JD inhaled sharply, but his nails dug harder into his shoulders.

He gently pushed JD's shoulder until the younger man lay on his side. He turned his head over his shoulder to look back at Perry. Perry pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

Perry opened the lube and spread it over his fingers, trailing them down between the younger man's legs and pressing lightly against his entrance. The younger man gasped and his hand reached back to grasp at Perry's free hand. Perry took it and squeezed lightly before kissing his way across JD's shoulders. He pushed a finger in, moved it slowly in and out. He only waited a few moments before adding the second, hearing JD's sharp gasp and squeezing the hand in his again.

"Faster." JD whispered, voice strained and tense. He pulled Perry's hand across to his lips and kissed his knuckles. "Please."

Perry groaned and added a third finger, moving slowly still. JD was shaking, his breath coming hard. There was a fine sheen of sweat on his face. Perry could taste it on his skin and he kissed JD's neck.

"It's been a while." Perry said, not wanting to move too fast, not wanting to hurt JD. But JD growled loudly and pressed himself back onto Perry's fingers.

"Too long for you to move this slow. Please, Perry. Please."

It was the 'please' that did it. The pleading in JD's voice. He opened the condom wrapper with his teeth and rolled it over his erection. He rolled JD over and JD wrapped his legs around Perry's hips. Perry removed his fingers from JD and pressed himself against his entrance, pushing in slowly. So slowly, because no amount of 'please' would make him hurt JD.

When he was fully in, blanketed in the tight heat of the younger man, he stopped. JD looked at him, eyes half closed and his mouth opened as he gulped in air. Perry kissed him then, tongue tasting. His arms wrapped around JD, pulling him in close against him. He was hot and damp with sweat. Then Perry moved, a long thrust, feeling JD trembling under him and around him.

JD lifted his hips to meet Perry's thrusts; his arms wrapped around Perry's broad shoulders and held him close.

"Oh god." JD whispered against Perry's lips. "Oh god, Perry." It was almost a sob. Perry buried his head in JD's neck to escape the raw emotion of it.

"JD." He breathed out against his warm neck.

They moved together, slowly, achingly slow, murmuring each other's names. It felt right, so right. There were no questions of who he was or what he was doing. Only the tight heat of JD, the smell of him and the taste. The way JD made his name a soft prayer chanted against his lips. Only hands on his shoulders and legs wrapped around him.

He knew when JD was close; could tell by the way he thrust up harder, the high keening noise that escaped his lips, the way he clutched at Perry's shoulders.

Perry reached a hand between them. It took the barest touch, the smallest amount of pressure and JD was jerking against him, spilling hot and wet between himself and Perry. He squeezed tight around Perry and Perry lost control, thrust hard and fast into JD until he himself came so hard he saw lights behind his eyes and he stopped breathing altogether.

He managed, barely, to keep his full weight off of JD. He pulled out slowly, tossing the condom to the side of the bed and only hoping it made the garbage. JD groaned as he did.

"Don't go." JD said softly. Perry settled in beside him and took him back into his arms.

"I wasn't going to." He said. He kissed JD. JD snuggled in against him, pressing his face into Perry's neck. Perry ran his hands over his back.

"Okay, Newbie?" He asked. JD nodded but was silent. Perry took a deep breath.

"Will you stay the night?" JD asked, voice muffled against his skin.

"Yeah, I'll stay." He promised. JD sighed and his arms loosened their death hold him. His breath was slowing, his trembling stopping. Perry kept moving his hands over him, soothing, calming. With all the gentleness he could muster, which wasn't as much as he might have liked.

It was quiet in the room, and he let his eyes drift shut, his hands finally stilling.

Sleep took them both as the cold rain still fell outside.

……………..

Sometime later Perry woke, cold and sticky. He reached blindly, not wanting to open his eyes, to grab a blanket and pull it over them. JD murmured sleepily and snuggled in closer. Perry pressed a soft kiss to his lips and let his head rest back on the pillow. Sticky, he decided, was something he could deal with later.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Author's Note: Yay. Finally. I've been waiting for this chapter. It makes even me happy to see Perry stop being a jackass, though who knows if it will last or how long it will. Hope everyone enjoyed. Sorry for the long wait.

**(Thanks for all the reviews. As this chapter took forever and is super long, I'm not going to have time to respond to all of them. I love them and appreciate them though! Thanks so much and I hope you continue to leave them.)**


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